A family get-together over the holidays can be so rewarding and enjoyable.  It’s a chance for the adults to visit and the children to play.  It’s an opportunity to relax and enjoy strengthening bonds with family members.  Unfortunately, it can also be one of the most stress-producing events a parent of a child with special needs attends.

Will their extended family members understand when their child has a meltdown?  Their ears still burn as they remember grandma’s tirade about parents who can’t control their children.  They worry that Uncle Bill will start his brand of teasing, insisting that he’s “just having some fun.”  Will the noise level be too overwhelming?  Can they make a hasty exit when it looks like the festivities are getting to be too much?  Will they be met with hostile glares?  Family parties are not fun for them.  Their hearts are filled more with dread than holiday cheer.

It’s all about expectations.  What do you expect of your child?  Are you expecting your child with a differently wired brain and unique needs to act like their neuro-typical cousin?  Are you wondering if the incentive you gave them to behave is large enough to outweigh all the triggers your child will be exposed to?  Do you understand what all of those triggers are?  What behavior do you expect from your child?  Are your expectations realistic for their ability level?

What are your child’s expectations?  How do they feel about family parties?  Does your child expect to have fun?  Or are they dealing with negative memories of family parties?  Are the activities your family engages in comfortable for your child?  Or do they expect to be miserable?  Are there certain aspects to the gathering that are disturbing for them?  Would they enjoy themselves more if those elements could be eliminated or at least reduced?  Is there a safe place for your child to go when they are feeling overwhelmed?

What are the expectations of your extended family members?  Are they aware of your child’s struggles?  Can they accept that your child’s brain is wired differently?  How well do they understand your child’s needs?  Do family members know what they can do to make the visit more comfortable for your child?  Are they expecting to adjust their interactions with you and your child?

Prepare and communicate to make the party more enjoyable for everyone.  Start with yourself.  Honestly evaluate your expectations.  Are there some that need to be modified to be more realistic?  Listen carefully to your child’s expectations.  Is there more information you can provide to help prepare them for this event?  Have you clearly communicated your expectations to your child?  Listen carefully to their response.  Make sure you and your child are on the same page.  Agree on a nonverbal signal that can be used when needed.  Does your child know what they can do or where they can go when they begin to feel stressed or overwhelmed?

If you haven’t already, share with your family what you have learned about raising a child with special needs.  Explain some of the challenges, the parenting approach you are taking, what helps your child and what triggers them.  Ask for their support.  Provide them with specific things they can do to help.  If you have already explained all of this and still feel you are not getting support, set appropriate boundaries.  Clearly explain what you expect and what you will do to care for your child.  You can only control your own behavior.  Explain what you will be doing to support the family gathering.  Then accept that your family members will choose how to respond.

You may also need to adjust the expectations you place on yourself.  You are not perfect.  No living person is.  You are a loving, committed parent doing the best you can.  Most likely it is what your child needs.  It is easy to see our mistakes.  Put in at least as much effort to recognize what you are doing right.

Watch for my podcast interview with Holly Blanc Moses.  She is a psychologist, behavior analyst and mother of two differently wired children.  She will share her expertise on motivation.  This is a topic that is often mentioned but not discussed.  She has some valuable insights that will help you.

Stressed about Holiday Family Gatherings and Your Special Needs Child?
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