As a parent, you naturally assume responsibility for your child’s behavior. If a neighbor or teacher tells you that your child has been too loud, inattentive, or disrespectful, your first response is often embarrassment. You may apologize or react defensively, but it most often causes you to feel personally responsible for anything your child does. This creates a problem in an IEP meeting because it shifts the focus from your child to you. And an IEP meeting is not about you; it’s about your child.
First of all, it may help to recognize that the way you parent and the way your children behave are not inseparably connected. As a professional educator, I have seen students with the most patient, wise parents choose to behave badly and children with an alarmingly dysfunctional home life make better decisions for themselves than they had witnessed. Obviously your parenting influences your children, but in the end, they choose their behavior.
In cases of children with special needs, their disability can influence their behavior more than you will. And when your child’s behavior in school impacts learning for himself or other students, it is addressed in their IEP. This is when it is critical to remain as objective as possible to keep the focus on your child. When their behavior is discussed, especially the problems that result, the purpose is to find a plan that will improve the situation, not assign blame. Even if you feel a teacher or case manager implies that you are responsible, recognize that your role is to be part of the team that comes up with a solution. You will be able to provide valuable input on your child that will allow the team to write the most effective behavior plan. You know what goes on behind the scene of the classroom and will be able to help the team see the whole picture.
An effective behavior plan begins with a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA) to help understand the causes of the behavior. This can include an interview with your child, their teacher or other staff. Information is gathered to determine what triggers the behavior. Is it the time of day? A change in medication? Is the behavior unique to specific settings or does it occur more generally? What does your child gain or avoid through this behavior? Attention? Getting out of a non preferred task? Venting frustration? There are many reasons why a student would throw a book across a room. The purpose of the FBA is to determine specific behaviors and their causes.
Your input may be gathered before the IEP meeting, but you may be asked in the meeting itself. This is the time to focus on the observations and insight you have to contribute. You will be more effective in advocating for your child if you resist the trap of giving way to your emotions and responding with guilt, shame, anger, or resentment. You are not responsible for your child’s behavior in school. You ARE responsible to take an active role in determining the causes and solutions. Listen to and discuss the facts objectively. It’s all necessary information to find the best way to help your child. If by some oversight, you are NOT asked to provide your input, do so anyway. This is your child. Respectfully use your voice on their behalf.
After the problem behavior and its cause are identified, interventions are proposed and discussed. Interventions can take many forms including rewards for good behavior and are the steps teachers and staff will take to replace problem behaviors at school with more positive behaviors. They are an integral part of the Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP). The goal is to develop positive behavior through teaching, improved communication, increasing relationships, and using clinical interventions. The Behavior Plan can help your child learn problem-solving skills and better ways to respond in trying situations. The plan will also identify who is responsible for helping with each part. Some examples could include,
- The student will ask for breaks when needed.
- The counselor will teach student self-calming activities.
- The student will be removed from a group after one warning until he can show self-control.
- The student will be rewarded with computer time if the teacher notices him working well in a group.
As these interventions and plans are discussed, keep your knowledge of your child, what motivates them and what doesn’t, in mind and feel free to share your concerns with the team. Once a plan is in place, remember it will need to be monitored. A BIP doesn’t always work as planned. The team may have incorrectly identified the cause of the behavior or the rewards for positive behavior may need to be adjusted over time. Make sure a method for monitoring and adjusting the BIP as needed is identified in the IEP. You can learn more about behavior plans from this article in Understood.
While it is natural for most parents to cringe or become defensive when they hear the school wants to talk to them about their child’s behavior, this isn’t the most helpful mindset. View it as an opportunity to become part of the effort to find the answers. Listen objectively to the facts and lean on the expertise of your team members to find what will work best to prepare your child to succeed in school and in life.