How do you rebuild your life after you have suffered trauma? Coach Ann Anderson discusses that and her award-winning book, Butterfly Uprising, in this last episode of our series on coaches who specialize in serving women. Visit her website to learn more about her and her book. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
Emmalou Penrod
Hello, and welcome to our series on coaches who specialize in supporting women. And I’m really excited today to be able to talk to Ann Anderson. She is a transformational life coach and a best selling author of her book, Butterfly Uprising. She also has a really compelling story. Ann, welcome.
Ann Anderson
Thank you so much. Emmalou. I really appreciate you having me on your show today. I’m so excited. I know we’ve been trying to do this for a minute. Thank you so much for having me.
Emmalou Penrod
I am honored. And would you be willing to share your story? I’m so impressed with the obstacles you have overcome, the example you are of persevering.
Ann Anderson
Thank you so much. I would love to. As you know, I’ve had a very tumultuous childhood. Rather no childhood, I had to be a mother to my mother, a wife to my stepfather, mother to my younger siblings. I’m the oldest of seven children born in Houston, Texas, raised in Louisiana. And for years, I blamed myself for being raped. In 1966, I was molested by my stepfather at age 10 years old until I was 16. It was like, you know, all of a sudden, the lights were turned off. And I just became a shell of the once vibrant, happy, full of life little girl that I was before that, and then living a life in fear of feeling ashamed and feeling a lot of guilt and hopelessness. But, and a lot of times, for the most part feeling very suicidal, not wanting to live just very disconnected. In my 10 year old mind, though, the only thing that I could think of was taking a handful of pills or something like that or using a knife. But instead I ended up becoming at 18 a flaming drug addict, functional drug addict. And I basically used drugs as an emotional blanket that was my numbing device. At age 27, I found myself divorced, a single parent. In 1988, I met who I thought was the man of my dreams. He was 6′ 4″, 250 pounds, like he stepped out of a GQ magazine. I was 5′ 2″, 127 pounds at that time. And you know instead, he ended up being my worst nightmare. It was the best of times and the worst of times for me at the same time. The saving grace at that time was the privilege I have of becoming a dancer for a local ballet company, which was my life at the time. And yeah, so on this one particular day, in my haste to get home, I accidentally brought home the African skirt that I have borrowed to perform in with me. And moments later, the guy who was the owner of the costume called to arrange to meet with me to get his skirt back. And my boyfriend at the time overheard that conversation and before I could get off the phone, he threw his beer can and hit me upside the head with it and commenced to beating me until I was unrecognizable. Stopping only once just to run upstairs and grab my gun to come back and put it to my head threatening to kill me and dump me in the lake where no one would ever be able to find my body. And the reason that he did it was just because I had the boldness to continue to participate in doing something that I loved and was doing before we met. So no one knew that domestic violence was my life during that time. I used to be one of those women judging, saying that I would never let a man put his hand on me. And I was the one who jumped in front of my stepfather to protect my mother when I thought he was about to hit her when I was 10 years old. But here I am, I find myself with his hands around my neck choking me until I couldn’t breathe and the only thing that I can do, I saw my life flashing before my eyes and I just prayed to God for him to save me this one last time. And so I ended up spending the next six months planning my escape from that situation, and which was the beginning of my life. It was the beginning of resilience and self transformation. That’s when resilience and self transformation became my story. And I realized that I had to become my own rescue. And so, you know, I tell that story because I realized, too, that so many people are suffering inside of this idea for so long, and feeling like you’re on an island all by yourself. You know, no one is reaching out to you, no one hears and sees you. And I want people to know, that I see you. I hear you. I got you. And I wrote the book that I wrote, and doing what I’m doing now as a transformational life coach, because I wanted to provide a safe space, no judgement, you know, for people to be able to share their deepest pains, whatever their story might be, and let them know that, someone understands them. And, you know, and this is a safe place, and like I said, no judgement. So that’s why I have created the platform that I have. And I’m using it to share with other women what I went through to become my own rescue, to overcome the adversity, all of the adversity that I had to go through, and to become the person that I am today. So 36 years later, fast forward 36 years later, I am, like you said, a best selling author, transformational life coach. I’m also a part of six other anthologies, presently working on my seventh one called When Grace Found Me. I’m also a TV producer, and my TV show called “Healibration, Conversations with Ann Anderson”. And the tagline for this show is about wellness, health and a better quality of life. So we have diverse conversations with a lot of different people. Everything that would help women, whoever my listening audience is, to have a better quality of life in every area of their lives. And I’m also a part of another TV show called “What is Justice?” So what I realized, and what I’ve learned over the years, is that everything that you want is on the other side of your comfort zone. I’m not saying that is easy to operate in that space, but I am saying that it is worth it. And the reason that I am where I am today and doing the things that I’m doing is because I made a decision to get out of my comfort zone. And so that’s why I’m doing the things that I’m doing today. Scary.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, but it is so important. And you touched on something absolutely vital. Abuse victims, especially children, quite often blame themselves and feel like, there’s something wrong with me. I did something wrong. And even women will feel like it’s their fault. They need to know that they’re not alone. There’s a lot of shame. I think a lot of people are ashamed to admit that they’re being abused. I’m sure it took courage to get out of that relationship.
Ann Anderson
Oh, yes. Yes, it did. And, you know, back then it was really crazy. Emmalou I had this, this crazy three times rule. You know, like the baseball players, three strikes, and you’re out. That was crazy. I don’t recommend that for anyone. Like I said, it was absolutely nuts. Okay, but this was the third time so I wish I could say that was the first time when he had his hands around my neck and put my gun to my head. But that was actually the third time.
Emmalou Penrod
And that’s when you decided, OUT!
Ann Anderson
This time I got to go. Yeah, but we all know, and I don’t know if you’ve heard but I have heard of cases where it was the first time that the woman found herself in that abusive type relationship and that was the only time that she had unfortunately, you know, she lost her life. That’s why I’m saying that was ludicrous. But I was a child. I didn’t know any better. And, you know, unfortunately during the time that I was coming up, I’m 65 now. So you know, we weren’t, you didn’t hear anything about abuse victims or coaches and counselors and all the help, you know, that’s out there and available now to women who are going through these kinds of things. And what I’ve noticed, though, even with all of that, I mean, I would say, tell myself, things would have been a little better, I would have gotten the help that I needed back then if I knew it was available. But you know, that’s not necessarily true, because so many people, so many women, especially, and men, today are not doing it, you know, like you said, they’re continuing to be silent. It causes women and men to lose their voices, basically, yes. And because of the shame and the guilt, we tend to blame ourselves, figure that something has to be wrong with us for that to happen to us. We don’t want to talk about it. We try to bear it. And instead of dealing with it, I chose to go to drugs for 20 plus years, instead, you know, trying to bury it. But I’m here to tell you that that is not the answer. You know, because once the drugs wore off, any of those substances that you try to use to mask your pain, or bury it, it doesn’t work. As soon as those things wear off, the drugs or whatever it is that you’re going through, that cause you pain is staring you right back in the face again. So I was blessed to have, once I made that decision, and like I said, it was very scary. Even during the time, when I was dealing with the incest, at 10 years old, my stepfather carried a gun. And unfortunately, I was put in a position where he had to pick me up from school and take me home a lot of times, and he would have the gun between us and constantly threatening me with the gun and threatening to harm or kill anyone, everyone that I love, all my family, if I would say anything, was to share what was going on. And, so from that time, up until the time of the abuse, when I just had enough, and I was getting out of this situation, I realized that I had to be very, very careful, because that’s really one of the worst times in an abusive type situation, when you decide that you want to leave, that you need to go. At one point you’re too afraid to leave. And that’s why you stay. And then at some point it gets to be where it is so bad that you’re too afraid to stay any longer. And you know, it was time to go. And I was able to do that I had to leave and go to a different state to do it. But it was worth it. Because at the same time he was threatening all of my family and one that cared about me everywhere that I tried to go in the city at the time where we live, he was showing up and you know, and there’d be some type of altercation. We unfortunately worked at the same place within GM together at the time. And they try to put us, you know how huge General Motors is. Even that was not enough space. The city was not enough space. So I actually ended up leaving the city for a couple years. But two or three years before I returned, trying to put some space between us, giving him time to cool off cooldown or whatever. And, you know, before I ended up re entering that city,
Emmalou Penrod
It sounds like you did whatever it took.
Ann Anderson
I did. I took my family and got my son and we laughed because before that we actually lived in a battered women’s shelter for six months prior to me leaving. So that was like my first kind of safe haven. I left my home and that’s where I was staying at for six months after that last time when I was beaten so bad, He never broke broke toe, foot. You know, eyes, I couldn’t see, just different you know. This really banged up pretty good from top to bottom, head to toe, head to toe literally. And you know he was, I believe schizophrenic, bipolar, whatever. And also doing drugs from stuff which I didn’t realize that at the time.
Emmalou Penrod
And it’s a control thing, like you mentioned, the most dangerous part is when they realize you want to leave. They’re ready to do anything they have to, to keep you.
Ann Anderson
Right. And he was very methodical. I tell the story at times and people look at me like, I’m crazy, because normally when a woman finds herself in an abusive relationship, that starts off pretty soon. Like, pretty soon after you meet the person, you know, they show themselves. They start smacking you around or whatever. He didn’t do that. We dated. It was lovey dovey for over a year, 365 days before he turned into this totally different animal; and I saw someone totally different that got physical. But if I be completely truthful, there were signs. I just ignored them because I was young and didn’t know any better. And I’m thinking you know, surely this guy don’t mean this. You know what I’m saying? Like, his woman don’t go to a restaurant and eat by herself. You know, I worked at GM too. I had my own house. You know what I mean? I’m in my late 20s. I’m used to, if I get hungry, I just go and eat and stuff so surely this guy wasn’t telling me that I couldn’t do that anymore. Because we were together, right? So I brought him you know, his woman don’t wear jeans that don’t have pockets on the back, you know, things I never heard of before. Because it’s show off her bottom too much. You don’t wear white because you can see through it. I ended up coming home one day, I had this beautiful white jumpsuit at the time. And it has some little decoration in it. And I came home one day, he had cut it all to pieces and was waxing my car with it.
Emmalou Penrod
Oh my goodness. But you know, you’re right, you are looking at this relationship with rose colored glasses. You see what you want to see. And you don’t always catch those subtle clues. And I understand, too, you know, the man may apologize profusely, “I’m so sorry. It will never happen again.” And it escalates.
Ann Anderson
Right, the honeymoon stage. And mine was a textbook. So you know, this never happened to me, I had never read anything or heard anything about abuse until I found myself in it, right. But it was so funny. When I was in the women’s batter shelter, they gave me a book to read. And everything that happened, everything I went through was textbook. It is like the first time they hit you once. And just one time, and they really checking to see, you know, if you would take it, how far you would go, like if you would forgive them. And I didn’t realize that at the time. What I should have done was try to smack the mess out of him. You know, like, just let me hit him back as hard as I could something and tell him to get out. But no, you know, he started crying and he fell on his knees and start crying like a baby begging me to forgive him. You know, he never did this before. And he loved me so much. Blah, blah, blah, just went on and on and on. He heard me but he’s crying like a baby, right? Like, I just hit him smack him upside the face. And so you know, I forgave him. I didn’t know any better. I forgave him. And, you know, he did good for a few months. He’s bringing me flowers. Just cleaning and washing my car and cleaning up and just doing all these nice things. So lovey dovey, and then the next thing you know, decide to, for no reason, there he goes again. And, same thing, though. They just put it on a little harder. Go through the honeymoon stage is what they call it a little bit longer. So that will last anywhere to two to three, four months before. So it was very spaced out over this three year period. So the first year nothing, in the next two years, he spaced out when he would get volatile and very physical, you know, otherwise it would just be subtle talking and things like that, like don’t do this. And, you know, his girlfriend, wife, a woman don’t do that. Those kinds of things, which actors really understand and pay a lot of attention to. Yeah, dude, that sounds ridiculous. Like you gotta be. You gotta be kidding me. You know, like, you’re gonna stop that. I know, you going to cut that out.
Emmalou Penrod
If you had only read that book before you met him.
Ann Anderson
I know. Right? I would have known. Yeah, and then the first time is one time they hit you the second time is three times. And then the third time. I mean, they just go. Wow, it’s just crazy. I mean, you could get hit 1,000 times before I decided to stop, you know? And then I guess from that point on, I don’t know, because I made it through three times spaced out. And because I hit that three times rule, and I was with that person, it worked for me, I like I said, I wouldn’t recommend it to anybody else. But it worked for me. I was gone.
Emmalou Penrod
And some abusive relationships end when the woman is killed. You were fortunate to get out. I am glad that we are talking more openly about this. So, you mentioned you were young, you hadn’t had experience with this. So there is more education that is so valuable. And talk about the support that a woman who is realizing she’s in an abusive relationship. What kind of support should she seek? And I’m assuming you talk about that in your coaching, right?
Ann Anderson
I do talk about that in my coaching. I do also stress that you have to be very, very careful. Because what you don’t want to do is let your perpetrator be aware that you’re having those kind of thoughts, that you’re thinking about leaving. Because the whole thing is about isolation, silencing you. What he did, my perpetrator, he went through a series of things that isolated me. For instance, any so called friend that I had, it was always something wrong with that. They didn’t have good intentions toward me either. If it was a guy, of course, he wanted to talk to me. And if it was a girl, a female, she didn’t really want to do anything with me, she probably wanted him. So he would come up with all these different things, even my family. So I talked to my mother too much. You know, I spent too much time with my sisters and brothers. You know what I mean? Any friend, of course they are a bad person, someone that you shouldn’t want in your life. So they isolate you to the point where it is just you and them. And so that makes it hard for a woman to talk to anybody because they’re telling her the whole time, “Nobody cares about you, but me. I’m the only one who has your best interests at heart. Yeah, I’m taking care of you, no one to care anything about you.” And you know, they make sure you don’t have too many other people reaching out, trying to do anything to you for a while, because they already know that that’s probably not going to work. Because evidently somebody is in your ear telling you that that’s a bad thing. So it makes it very hard for a woman to reach out. That’s another one of their schemes to continue to do what it is that they’re doing to the woman, or to the man, because they’ve isolated them. First of all, they cut them off from all their friends and family. And they just made it a situation where it’s just the only person it’s okay for her to talk to is him.
Emmalou Penrod
You also touched on something that we don’t always want to admit, but men can be abused, too.
Ann Anderson
Oh, yeah, and it’s probably even worse for them on some level than it is for women being that they are men supposed to be strong and tough and take care of everything and that kind of thing. And to have a woman abusing them like that, beating them on a regular basis, degrading them, castrating them with their voices, with their mouth, and whatever else even being physical as well. So yeah, I can’t imagine a man, “I’m being abused by my wife or my girlfriend.” You know, at least this is more commonly known and understood. Yeah, of course, the woman is being abused and beaten by her husband or her boyfriend is normally he’s bigger, weighs more. He’s, obviously stronger, or should be, or is for the most part. But you know, I’ve talked to a few men and like, so you don’t do anything to help men as well. And I would tell them, you know, this is so broad, I felt like I had to choose. I’m a woman. So I chose to more specifically concentrate on helping women but if I learned of men, coaches, who were also working with men, I try to turn them on to those guys and things like that. And then there are a lot of general information that they could get from listening to women coach is talking to other women as well that they also need to incorporate, like the safety thing is really, really key. You want to be safe. So you want to try to reach out to someone very carefully, or, you know, at least learn you have to be very strategic. I had to be very strategic about it. It’s going to take a little time. It’s probably not going to be something you can do overnight. So you’re going to have to try to pace yourself and then come up with a plan. If there’s anyone that you trust that hasn’t been, maybe just so turned off by the fact that you maybe shut down communication with them for a while, if you can get to them, while they’re at work, or whatever, something like that, and talk to them, share with them what’s going on with you, something like that. Or get in touch with an authority. There’s an 800 number that people can call. As far as I know, they didn’t have all this when I was going through it, back in the 70s, and the 80s. But now they have all kinds of resources. So it’s a lot easier. Of course COVID-19 hasn’t really helped the situation very much. Everybody being stranded in their homes, you know, not able to go outside or talk to anybody. So of course, that went up big time. So my heart just went out to all the people and you know, this put me in a position to start praying more about that situation, because I know that that had to be just really,
Emmalou Penrod
You mentioned a shelter for battered women, that at one point you went there.
Ann Anderson
I did at the point where I was beaten to a pulp, and he had a gun as well, having my gun to my head. I was blessed that he just thought and he took the gun with him. He had a key to my house. So I didn’t know if he was going to come back and try to finish the job, because he made a lot of threats. So I felt, as soon as I realized he had left and wasn’t there, that I needed to call someone and try to get out of there. So I did know about at the time that they did have a shelter for battered women. So I called that number. And they told me to just come right on in and told me what to do. And I did what they said and got there. And I was there for the next six months. And after probably a couple of weeks, I end up bringing my kid there to stay there with me actually. And they didn’t tell me what to do. But they gave me the options. And explained to me how abuse works. And like I said, they gave me that book. And it was like, I was reading my own story.
Emmalou Penrod
Yeah, yeah.
Ann Anderson
Oh, my God, like, really? Like, I just went through all of that. Everything that it said, that’s exactly what happened to me.
Emmalou Penrod
Wow.
Ann Anderson
Yeah, I know. So unbelievable.
Emmalou Penrod
So you wrote Butterfly Uprising, as a book to help women. You also provide private coaching?
Ann Anderson
I do. I do private coaching as well as group coaching. Yes, the reason that I wrote the book is because at the same time, as tumultuous as my life has been, I’ve also been one of these people that people have always gravitated to me. Strangers always telling me their problems, what’s happening with them. And at least 75-80% of it was abuse, some type of abuse, drug addictions to suicide, suicidal, but it will stem from the fact that they were abused. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why all these strangers were always coming to me, telling me their story. And a lot of times, they would tell me that they never shared that with anyone else, but me a stranger. And I didn’t ask them, they just started sharing, right? And so at the time, what I would do is to make them feel better and make them feel like they were not alone, is I would share my own story, things that I’ve gone through and overcome. And so for the longest time, these people that I mentored and talk to for years, who were sharing their story with me were the only ones who knew my story. And eventually I realized, you know what, maybe I should tell my story. Let people know, because I felt like I was helping people. They were saying stuff like they feel better after talking to me and decided they didn’t want to kill themselves anymore, that kind of thing. So I was having a lot of success, just sharing my story, being open and vulnerable with all of these strangers like they were being with me. And it seemed to give them some peace and comfort and make them change their minds or take on a little different perspective about what they were going through. And at some point when this started happening, and I had been in the church, so I had had the spiritual awakening and learned the word and realized a lot more things about myself and my own experiences, the things that I had gone through that God does not waste any of our experiences. And I realized that He had been with me the whole time, even as a child. He didn’t make those things happen. He allowed them to happen. He knew that, at some point, I would be here today sharing my story. I would write the book. And I would be trying to help other women to overcome those same adversities that I have gone through and overcome myself. And so I decided to go out and write the book. And because I wanted to make more of an impact on people’s lives, particularly women, and let them know, like I said, that I’m a safe place, no judgment, that they can share. If I did it, they can do it. The things that God has done for me, He’s no respecter of person. If He did it for me, He would do it for them as well. And so I just wanted them to know that I was hoping that it will give them confidence. So the book, Butterfly Uprising, is about the metamorphosis of one woman’s life’s journey through interlocking stories of incest, drug addiction, and domestic violence. It was creatively written to correlate with the developmental stages of the butterfly, through the maturation of Alexander Scott, who is my character in the book. So it is finding and triumphant. It’s also faith based, and ultimately speaks about our ability, no matter what it is that we go through, to prevail through God’s undeniable grace, because I realized it is God’s grace that got me through all the things that I was able to overcome all the adversity, all those years of depression and feeling unwanted, unloved, and alone and afraid, and all those kinds of things, and just not loving myself and treating myself the best. So I ended up writing a book. And I realized, too, that I had been mentoring and coaching women for 20 plus years, out of the goodness of my heart, taking women into my home. I’ve taken a couple of women into my home, one of them with babies. I was blessed to have a husband at the time, who obviously just saw that that was a ministry that God had given me, something He put in my heart to do. And so I didn’t get any flack from him. He just opened our home up to these women who needed my help. And just kind of nurtured them to a place of, of health, you know, where they could at least see light at the end of the tunnel and realize that they wouldn’t have damaged goods, that they have purpose, that they had a testimony and that the things that they went through, just like me, it was for somebody else, somebody that they supposed to help. They are supposed to do the same thing like I’m doing, share their story. At some point, once they heal to that point where they can do it and not fall apart, then they can share their story, let somebody else know. Because I won’t be able to reach everybody. And there’s certain people who won’t receive from me, but they will receive from them. So I realized that I’m supposed to help a certain group of people. I’m the perfect person to help those people. And I realize all of us have a duty. We all have a story. Like their story may not be the same as mine. They may not know what it feels like to lose your innocence at 10 years old, or to find yourself a single parent and divorced in your early 20s. Or find yourself being a drug addict, addicted to drugs 20 plus years, or in an abusive relationship with your gun put to your head. But we all have a story still, you know. So there’s a lot of things that people can go through, that can happen to us, that can cause us to be stuck and not moving forward, not growing, not changing, not evolving, and not healthy, not happy or living life to the fullest or being the best version of ourselves. So my coaching program is to help women to change their lives from head to toe inside and out by letting go of their fears and their past using simple techniques so that you can break free from yourself, critical thinking, control your thoughts and feelings, master your emotions and your ideal body, build lasting healthy relationships, and find the confidence to reach your highest potential, design a breathtaking life of your dreams and to maximize all of your life experiences to become unstoppable. And that’s the journey that I believe that I’m on. And that’s why I created the Unstoppable Women Network group, to provide information for them to be able to do the same thing. Because we were all a combination of everything that we’ve gone through, everything that we’ve overcome, good and bad. The foundational scripture for my life, and for my business, is Romans 8:28, I really, truly believe that said, all things work together for the good of those who love Christ. So I believe all of the things, the good things, the bad things, everything that has happened to me has helped to shape me into the woman that I am today. And having a heart that I have wanted to serve, and do the things that I’m doing today. So I feel like all of us have had that on some level. And we all have a divine purpose as well, with the things that God has entrusted with us, the information that he’s entrusted with us, the things he’s allowed us to achieve, the adversity, the pain, He’s allowed us to overcome, get over, and how we were able to do that. I believe that we’re supposed to share it. Anything good was supposed to share with other people. And so that’s what I’m doing.
Emmalou Penrod
Well, I’m just listening to you and I can hear this feeling that this is your ministry, that this is what God has called you to do. And how large your heart must be, how caring and compassionate to want to serve others, teach them to reach out to others, and to share rather than the misery and pain you went through, to share the light of truth, and a better way. And this world really needs people like you and and like you said, we’ve just been through a pandemic, where domestic violence spiked. I’m sure we have a lot more damaged souls needing this help this nourishing. So how do people contact you?
Ann Anderson
Sure. Thank you. So yeah, I can be reached at https://www.butterflyuprising.com/ is my website. And I’ll also give my email address because hey, you know, reach out to me, coach.annanderson@gmail.com. It’s coach, dot, Ann anderson@gmail.com. And then of course, my book, you can find it on amazon.com. And then I’m also on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, all those social platforms, as well.
Emmalou Penrod
And we’ll have all the links on my podcast post. Okay, and thank you so much, you are going to bless so many lives.
Ann Anderson
Thank you so much. Emmalou, I really appreciate you for allowing me to speak. And I really do pray that I was able to say something to help someone out there who’s listening. Know that I understand. Fear is a real thing. But we know what it stands for, “false evidence appearing to be real.” So I do understand that whether it is real or imagined. Either it can paralyze people and cause them to be stuck and not move. But I want you to know, like one of my mentors always says to me, and something that she says all the time. Lisa Nichols says that the pen is always in your hand. And so you have the ability to create the reality that you want. You can design your life just the way you want it to be. Because you deserve that. You deserve that breathtaking life is your birthright. And so I’m hoping that by me sharing my story with you that it would inspire you, give you the confidence to not continue to live in fear, allow fear to hold you hostage to your pain, your story, anything that you’ve gone through, or dealing with possibly in silence. Please let somebody know. I know that there’s someone out there who cares, who wants you to share your story with them, or help you to get your story out there so you can share with others so you can be a blessing and help others while you bless yourself as well.
Emmalou Penrod
Beautiful words. Ann, thank you so much. You have a great day.
Ann Anderson
Thank you. You do the same.