Parents are often admonished, especially in public by strangers, that they should control their children. Society holds parents responsible for the actions of their children. If a child breaks something in a store, the parents are expected to pay for it. If a child doesn’t go to school, the parents are sent a truancy citation or referred to truancy court. According to Matthiesen, Wickert & Lehrer, S.C., Attorneys at Law in Wisconsin, “Almost every state has some sort of parental responsibility law that holds parents or legal guardians responsible for property damage, personal injury, theft, shoplifting, and/or vandalism resulting from intentional or willful acts of their un-emancipated children.”
This is a serious responsibility for parents and most make every effort they can to comply with this societal expectation. Some parents require their children to make restitution for damage to property by working or performing service. Others promise rewards to their children for desirable behavior. In some cases parents attempt to control their children’s behavior by restricting privileges or taking other punitive action. How effective are these methods? Let’s examine them one at a time.
Your son is playing baseball in the yard and he breaks your neighbor’s window. Your neighbor comes over to complain and demands to have the window replaced. With the first approach you could call your son in to join the conversation and negotiate to have him work in the neighbor’s yard for a set period of time to cover the expense of the window replacement. Or you could arrange to pay for the window yourself and let your son know he will be working in your yard for a specified time to reimburse you for the cost of the window. This could guide your son to reach the conclusion that there is a connection between his actions and their consequences. You may not even need to point out to him that there is a safer location for playing ball.
If you use rewards to control behavior, you might give your son expensive electronic devices so he will stay in the house instead of going outside to play ball. You won’t have any more broken windows, but your son could make the association that when he wants to get elaborate gifts, he just needs to cause a problem to get them. He could think, when I break something, I get something.
Relying on punitive actions might look like grounding your son to the house, or paying for the window and then yelling at him. You could tell him that now he can’t go to his friend’s birthday party. This method will most often lead to two possible results. Your son could become angry and push back, break more windows, yell back at you, refuse to cooperate, and become rebellious and defiant. Or, he could become dispirited and submissive, unable to speak up for himself or say “No” to you or anyone else. In either case he will not have made the connection between his actions and their consequences. He will just see you as being mean.
Some parents forget that there is only one person they can control, and it isn’t their child. You cannot control what another person says, thinks or does. You can only control what you say, think, or do. You cannot keep your child from breaking the neighbor’s window, but you can control how you react. I heard of one case when the father talked to the neighbor privately and suggested that the neighbor tell the teenage son he could choose between doing work in the neighbor’s yard to pay for the window or be referred to the police and spend time in juvenile detention. The father told the neighbor he was willing to accept whatever choice his son made. The son chose to work in the neighbor’s yard. Some would consider this to be too harsh, but the father knew his son and what would be most effective to guide him to the discovery of the relationship between his actions and their consequences.
You cannot control your child, but you can control the environment. You may need to cut a shopping trip short when your toddler becomes overtired, or turn off the TV and send children to bed, or confiscate the electronics when homework needs to be done. If your child has Autism and is experiencing a meltdown, you could respond to hostile glares with a quick, “He’s having a meltdown. Could you please get him a drink of water?” That could redirect the negative energy!
Parents need not feel shame because they cannot control their children. That is a fact of life. You can only control your response. Sometimes it helps to be prepared when you know your child’s behavior patterns. Other times they catch you completely off guard and you do the best you can. Sometimes you may just have to ignore the well-meaning advice of strangers.
You know your child. You know what they need. You know how to guide them to learn to control their own behavior. A good place to start is by modeling how you control your behavior. You could even verbalize, “What she said made me so angry! I had to remind myself that she hasn’t been feeling well and then I decided to let it go.” Or, “I was so mad, I ran two laps around the field!” Apologizing to your children when appropriate is a powerful example. They learn that it’s OK to make mistakes. You can make it right again and keep moving forward. Remember, you are the only person you can control.