Family Meetings

Learn more about family meetings in my Power Parent class.

Does your family hold family meetings?  Family meetings provide a time and format for planning and working together much like a business meeting an employer might hold with his team of employees or a sports team before a game.  They can be as informal as conversations held during a meal or any time everyone involved is in the room and only last a few minutes. They can also consist of a regularly appointed time with a written agenda and last an hour or longer.  Shorter is always better, but a family meeting needs to last long enough to address any issues or concerns that involve the group as a whole. Its purpose is to provide effective communication and promote teamwork, a feeling of involvement and belonging.  It lets every member know that they are valued and appreciated as an essential member of the family. These meetings can expedite or smooth out the day to day activities in a home such as meals, cleaning, yardwork, transportation for children with their events, sharing the family car, making sure everyone gets where they need to go, managing the finances, and solving any problems that arise when a group of people share a house with all its responsibilities.  It’s also a time to plan family vacations or address weightier matters like an extended illness or death of a family member. It is easier to address these serious issues when the relational rapport has already been established with clear lines of communication. Family meetings allow members to provide mutual support as opposed to individuals who just happen to live in the same house. Each member becomes aware of the goals, needs, and challenges of the others.  They can get involved in each other’s lives and serve each other. Bonding and synergistic energy are the result. Any number of people working together can accomplish more than the same number of people working separately.

There are many benefits to family meetings, but nothing worthwhile comes without a cost.  It takes effort and persistence to establish and maintain the practice of holding family meetings.  Depending on when the idea is introduced, you will most often meet with resistance. The easiest approach is to begin when the family begins.  When two people decide to form a family, they can begin this habit of consistent regular communication. It is a natural part of setting up a household and sharing a home.  Care will need to be taken that this is maintained and the communication continues. One or both parties involved will need to make sure that communication continues consistently, whether with a formal, regularly scheduled time or more informally on a daily basis.  The pattern is set from the beginning and as children are added to the family they are included, even infants. Children grow up knowing this is what their family does. They learn they are a valuable part of this group. Their needs are taken seriously and they are able to contribute to serve their family.

What happens if you didn’t establish this practice when your children were young?  Now you see the need for improved communication and teamwork, but you have teenagers in the home.  Even if you began the tradition early, you may find resistance as your children get older. While most young children regard their parents as cool and admirable and desire to please them, their attitude often shifts as they age.  It’s part of growing up and establishing your own identity. Youth naturally begin to question their parents and desire to separate from them. Your relationships will change from caretaker to mentor. You will need to ask for their cooperation and clearly communicate your needs, expectations and requirements for privileges granted.

Hopefully, both parents will be on the same page.  If not, you need to take time to discuss your goals for family meetings and come to agreement before you present the idea to your children.  Some questions you might want to discuss first are:

What do we want to accomplish through family meetings?

How often should they be held?

How long should each meeting last?

How do we encourage all members to attend?  Is it mandatory? Do we use rewards or consequences to encourage participation?

What responsibilities for the meeting can be shared with all members?  Could all members of the group take turns with writing out the agenda, conducting the meeting, preparing a snack, taking minutes, etc?

Make sure the adults are united before you suggest the plan to the children.  If you have a blended family, you may face unique challenges such as who should present the idea to the children.  It may work out best to have each parent talk to their children separately to discuss any concerns before you meet with the whole group.  You may want to meet with each child one on one. Consider the feelings and personalities of each family member. Complete whatever preparation is needed before the whole group meeting to ensure a positive reception.  When you are ready, arrange for the first meeting. You can begin by explaining why you want to initiate this new procedure. Explain how it will benefit everyone. Everyone likes to hear what’s in it for them. Make it fun.  A favorite family treat should be served or fun activity planned for your first meeting. You may want to consider not bringing up any problems in the beginning. Just keep it positive and express your love and appreciation for each member of the family.  You could recognize the strengths of each member and how they contribute to the family. Talk about the topics that will be discussed and be sure to mention the fun ones such as planning family vacations, scheduling use of the home for parties with friends, family menus, getting a dog or other family pet, and anything that you know your children will be interested in.  Make it clear that, as members of the family enjoying all the privileges of living in the home, they are expected to attend but can participate to the level they choose. Calmly and objectively explain the requirements. For example, if one of the concerns to be addressed is use of the family car, then attendance at family meetings is a logical requirement for using the family car.  The same could apply to use of the kitchen or any of the facilities in the home. As a family, determine how often you will meet and when. Most families find weekly meetings to be the most effective. It is still often enough to address daily concerns, but not so often as to be burdensome. Pick a day and time when you know members of the family will most likely be home, such as early in the morning or later in the evening.  You can come with suggestions on the best day and time, but be open to amendments. It will help you to establish the pattern of holding family meetings if everyone feels their needs were considered and their opinion was respected.

Once you have gained their trust and cooperation, be sure to consistently follow through with what was agreed on.  If something comes up on the day or time chosen, reschedule far enough in advance to accommodate everyone’s needs. Treat your children with respect so they can learn to treat you with respect.  You might consider leaving a clipboard or paper in a commonly used room, most often the kitchen, so members of the family can write down their requests for topics to be discussed in the next family meeting.  Be patiently persistent in establishing this habit. Get creative to make meeting a rewarding experience, such as holding a celebration for the 10th consecutively held meeting.  Resist feelings of discouragement when your suggestions are not met with enthusiastic support or you feel you are putting more energy into this than the rest of the family combined.  Be open to ideas presented by family members even if they are initially repugnant. Every idea should be considered, advantages and disadvantages discussed, objectively evaluated and then the best ones selectively accepted.  Some decisions will not be reached in one meeting. In many cases it may be best to table an idea until a later time, when more information can be gathered. If emotions are running high, it might be best to take a break to defuse the situation before you continue the discussion.

It is most natural to hold these meeting around the dinner table or in the family room.  This is certainly most convenient. Sometimes, however, it might be fun to hold the meeting in a different location.  Occasionally a meeting could be held at a family restaurant, at a park, on a picnic or family vacation. Allow for some variety to make it interesting.  Family meetings should end before they become boring or tedious. Be sensitive to the needs of all members, especially the smaller children, and adjust the length as needed.  While everyone should be permitted and even encouraged to express their ideas, your meetings will be much more productive and pleasant if they can remain positive. Take some time to coach family members on communicating with “I” statements and objectively.  “I feel stressed when I have to wait 10 minutes to use the bathroom.” Is much more conducive to problem solving than “She’s always hogging the bathroom!” It is natural for people to become defensive when they feel they are being attacked. Demonstrate for your family how problems can be discussed without accusing or blaming others.  This is best accomplished when the children hear the adults take ownership for mistakes they have made and apologize to each other. It is beneficial for children to see their parents handle a disagreement while considering the needs of both parties and find a solution that is mutually agreeable.

I remember a profound example I saw as a child.  When I was about 10 years old, our family lived in a home with a fireplace and mantel.  My father worked as a veterinarian for the Department of Agriculture and my mother was a stay at home Mom.  She was fastidious about maintaining a clean and orderly home. My father would come home from work and empty his pockets by putting the contents on the mantel.  My mother would immediately swoop in after him and gather the items up again. She didn’t want any clutter in her living room. My father would protest. It was a game that was fascinating to watch, like a tennis match.  My mother would explain her position as the keeper of the house who was trying to keep everything neat and orderly. My father would respond with his position as the family bread winner who wanted to keep the items he needed for work in a convenient place.  My mother would suggest he use the dresser in the bedroom. My father responded with his requirement for ease of access and his need to transition quickly to take care of his chores around the house. We lived on 7 acres of land and he had a large yard to care for.   It went back and forth with each person presenting their perspective and advocating for their needs. Neither one interrupted the other, their voices were never raised and, while they argued with feeling, it was presented with more humor than rancor. This continued, and was quite entertaining to watch, until they came up with the solution of decorative containers on the mantel that satisfied Mother’s sense of order and Dad’s need for convenience.  The discussion continued until they came up with a solution both could live with.

Family meetings need to follow this pattern.  They require work, but also provide the opportunity to resolve differences and solve problems with love and compassion.

For a written list of suggestions and sample agenda, click here.

If you want to share your experiences with holding family meetings or have any questions, leave a comment.