High Sensitivity in Families

Tammy Goen shares her research and experience on the topic of highly sensitive people.  Visist her website, Landscape Wellness.

Emmalou Penrod 0:00
I’m talking to Tammy Goen today, she is a life and wellness coach and energy worker. And she helps people decrease anxiety, stress and overwhelm. Her area of speciality is working with highly sensitive people. Tammy, welcome.

Tammy Goen 0:19
Well, thanks for having me. It’s great to be here.

Emmalou Penrod 0:22
So let’s start by making sure we understand, what do you mean by highly sensitive people?

Tammy Goen 0:29
That’s an excellent question. So, it’s determined that there’s probably 15 to 20% of our population that are actually highly sensitive. And what that means is sensitives tend to process information more deeply than those who don’t have that trait. They take everything in. Everything has a lot more meaning. We tend to take longer, timeframe to process things. And because of that processing depth, it’s really easy to get overwhelmed or overloaded by things. And our responses tend to be seen by others, often as over responsive, over sensitive, you know, not letting things go. A lot of things that people tend to hear if they’re highly sensitive as they’re growing up, or they’re in relationships is, why can’t you just leave that alone? Or, I didn’t even mean anything by that. You know, how come you’re upset? Or why is that such a big deal for you? You’re so sensitive. You know, so it’s a way of processing information, but also experiencing life itself in a in a little bit different realm. And it can be very challenging with those around who aren’t highly sensitive and understanding that. So one of the things that’s really key is helping others in your relationships and your work environment, in your families, to understand what that trait is. And that it’s not just, you know, being unreasonable, or something that you can just turn on and turn off. And you just need to get that figured out. So it’s very helpful to explain, you know, present the information to to others and say, Hey, this is how I perceive things. And in this very specific situation, when you did this, or when this happened, or when I saw this, this is how I took it, this is what it meant to me, and therefore, that’s why I had that reaction. So it’s, yeah, it can be very challenging at times. The benefit, though, the bonus is that it can be kind of a superpower really. When we’re highly sensitive, we notice pretty much everything all around us all the time. So we’re kind of like the canaries in the coal mine in a way. You know, that can be actually, you know, I know for a fact that I kept my house from burning down one night, because I actually woke up out of a dead sleep smelling something burning. So it can be as you know, a sensory input kind of situation like that. It can be an empathy kind of thing, you know, recognizing that people need something, or a situation needs something. And of course, with a really deep level of caring, there tends to be, you know, a lot of helpers and people putting, putting energy forward to try to, you know, help the greater good,

Emmalou Penrod 3:21
I can see how it would be absolutely critical in a family, that takes communication to a whole new, deeper level.

Tammy Goen 3:29
Absolutely.

Emmalou Penrod 3:32
It sounds like this was quite a path, getting all of the training and the experience required.

Tammy Goen 3:37
You know, I haven’t known about this as a specific trait. I mean, it’s been researched. And there’s all kinds of studies and I wasn’t aware of that till about maybe 10 years ago. So of course, as I was growing up, I knew that I was extra sensitive, but I didn’t realize that other people were as well, which is one of the challenges that we face until we figure that out. It’s like, Oh, it’s not just me. So of course, I had that sensitivity always growing up. But I went through, as soon as I finished school, I went into grad school, I have a master’s in counseling and went that direction. Of course, no one was talking about sensitivity at that point. Nothing like that was in my program. But I did work a lot with people with cognitive behavioral therapy. So helping people shift ideas to shift their behavior. And then I just kind of was naturally drawn to, kind of, stress management techniques that I would incorporate. That, I didn’t even use that term at that time. But it was just things to kind of help people calm, calm the nervous system and feel better, to be able to make more, you know, rational decisions or or change their thinking. So I did that for a number of years. And then I reached a burnout. I thought I was doing great, but I got burned out. So then I went to massage school, which was great, and that’s where I learned energy work. So I did that for quite a number of years, working about 18 years with that. But about four years ago or so I really started to miss that one on one verbal connection with people with clients talking about, you know, ways that their life can be improved. I just really missed that piece. So that’s when I headed into coaching. And even when I started that I actually didn’t have that conscious focus on highly sensitives until I started to realize, I mean, I focus definitely on the stress and the anxiety, the overwhelm, and that area of focus. But after a couple of years, what I started to recognize is that the people that were drawn to me, as a coach, I just kept seeing a very large percentage of them that were highly sensitive. So they found me because I’m highly sensitive. And I realized that there was really a need for that, because it’s becoming a little bit more known. But there’s just so much going on in our world now. That it’s really putting a lot of people on edge. And so those people are finding me and I just love being able to share, you know, my experiences and explaining what it means and that it doesn’t have to be all just overwhelming; it can also be a superpower. And so I’ve just really focused on using my own experiences and helping basically provide all the information that I wish I had had since I was a little kid. You know, to help everybody with their life going forward. And it’s amazing. I have a meetup group I do every other week. That’s just a social platform for highly sensitive to just kind of chat together. And whenever I have new people joining that have just found it, it’s a very high percentage of people who say, because I always ask, you know, how long have you known you were, you know, highly sensitive? And what’s that journey been? And the majority of them tend to be, oh, I found out last week. Or Oh, I just found this the other day when it popped up. And I said, Oh, what’s this, and then they read about it, and they’re thinking, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. This is me. And it’s not just me. So that’s the, you know, that’s what really is my passion. And that is helping people become more aware, and focusing on building that self perception and compassion and love, because it can be really easy for highly sensitive to really focus on all of those things. They’ve heard their whole lives, you know, you’re too this, you’re not enough this, your, you know, over this. And, and taking that, you know, too deeply and taking it personally. So it’s really great to help others, you know, with that recognition, and then learn the tools for how to make that easier.

Emmalou Penrod 7:43
Yeah, well, I want to get to the tools. But first I wanted to comment, you mentioned, you know, how it helps if they’re able to explain, this is how I process things

Tammy Goen 7:53
Exactly.

Emmalou Penrod 7:54
But if you’re a child, you don’t know. So if parents can understand this, if everyone can be more aware of it. And rather than the blanket, you’re just too sensitive, and dismissing them because they’re outside the norm. And I loved what you said about it can be a superpower. Don’t look at it as something you have to change.

Tammy Goen 8:18
Yeah. And that is part of the self recognition thing. It’s, okay. So I am one of, you know, one of every five people or so that are, you know, there’s others. All these other people that are understanding me as well. So it’s not something that I have to, I don’t have to change my sensitivity. I can change the way I deal with the world to make that easier for me, and to make relationships work better. But I don’t have to change a core piece of me just to fit in. You know, with everything else that, with the rest of the non sensitive world. So it’s Yeah, and it’s very helpful, you know, if parents recognize children are very sensitive, I like to try to shift that word from oversensitive to very sensitive. And they become aware of this as a, you know, as something to consider as a trait, and then they can research and find out about it. Oh, they can make such a huge difference! Not only for the kids themselves, but for themselves. Because it is challenging to try to make that interface with someone who’s very highly sensitive if someone else is not, you know, it’s sort of like the men and women or the introvert extrovert or whatever, you know, everyone has their own views. And, you know, highly sensitives, just don’t get non highly sensitives, and vice versa. You know, I mean, you just come from a different place. So you can’t go there. But if you have an understanding, and you research it a little bit, you learn more about it and you realize it’s not just a choice, like they’re just being unreasonable. Like oh, this is how they’re processing and then you get more compassion and say, okay, how can we do this together to to make this work? You know, if I’m not highly sensitive, and you know, what happens a lot of times is the parents will realize they’re highly sensitive too. You know, it’s a challenge for parents, because they’re always taking care of everybody. They have to be on schedule. They have to do all of these things. And there’s all, you know, lots of chaos sometimes, and things going on in the world. And what they really probably want some of the time is just to go inside and be quiet and not have anything that they have to take care of, but they’re parents. So sometimes, it’s really helpful for them to realize, Oh, you know what, this might be me, too. And maybe that’s why I feel like I just need my time away sometimes. And instead of feeling guilty for that, you know, they can realize, Oh, that’s really actually really important for me, in order to be a good parent, you know, to to honor some of those things. So it can be helpful for, you know, on both sides of things.

Emmalou Penrod 10:59
So is that one of the tips? That, when you recognize you’re a highly sensitive person, make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Tammy Goen 11:09
Absolutely, that is the number one key. So highly sensitives, basically if you know, we have the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous systems. We have the fight or flight and the rest and digest, and we want those to be a nice balance. So for highly sensitives, generally speaking, our baseline starts a little higher. So it’s more easy to get overwhelmed, it happens quicker. So it’s really important to get that nervous system calmed as much as possible. So I highly recommend to everyone that I work with, and it’s not for everybody, but meditation, or some kind of mindfulness practice, some kind of going within very quiet, no distractions, just a time to be is super helpful, super important. I mean, since I’ve made that a daily practice for myself, my ability to handle outside and internal, but especially outside stuff, you know, instead of becoming so overwhelmed so easily, I just have such a greater threshold with that now, because my nervous system is starting at a calmer place before all that, you know, comes into play. So it’s, but yeah, self care in general. And, you know, it’s sort of like that, that thing, you know, you go on a on a plane, and they say, if the oxygen comes down, you put your mask on first, and then you help everybody else. So it’s that same idea, right, you need to fill yourself up so that you can be there for everyone else. So that’s important for everyone, but especially for highly sensitives that their nervous system is already more on edge, that self care is primary for sure.

Emmalou Penrod 12:54
And you also mentioned being able to explain to people, this is how I process and this is what I need.

Tammy Goen 13:03
Yes. Yeah. And you can, you can actually go onto my website, and under the highly sensitive person HSP section, there’s a link for an inventory. Sometimes it’s actually helpful to actually have something printed off where you actually fill out. Oh, is this me? Yes. How about this one? Yes, yes, yes. So you answer, you know, yes or no questions. And then that kind of helps people it’s like, Oh, you know, am I highly sensitive? And you take the inventory and go, Oh, okay. In my case, there are 24 questions. And I answered 22 of them as as Yes, that’s me. So yeah, pretty clear. And there are different levels of sensitivity, of course, and there’s introverts and extroverts, actually, both, that some extroverts are highly sensitive. But yeah, so sometimes that’s very helpful if you actually have something on paper, and you fill it out, and you’re like, Oh, this is my score. And then you can hand that to someone and say, Hey, can you take this little, you know, inventory thing, or look at it, or whatever, and see what their response is. And then you say, Okay, so this was my score on this. And, you know, it may be twice what the other person’s was, or something like that. So they can actually have something to look at. It’s like, you know, you’re not making it up, you’re not, again, being unreasonable, whatever. And wow, look at all these things that I’ve never even thought of before that are written down here that you checked as yes. You know, these are, wow, I had no idea, you know, and then it just opens up a place for conversation. So, you know, parents providing that for kids, or if kids are really young, you know, they can do the inventory on behalf of how do you think your child would answer this? Or what’s the behavior that you see that indicates these things. You know, so if they’re not of an age that they would actually take the inventory, well, parents can certainly do it for them. And that, it’s just really helpful to be able to share with that, yeah,

Emmalou Penrod 14:48
Yeah. A word that really comes to my mind is acceptance.

Tammy Goen 14:52
Yes.

Emmalou Penrod 14:53
Rather than seeing this as I need to change this about my child’s behavior.

Tammy Goen 14:57
Exactly.

Emmalou Penrod 14:58
Accepting and knowing, This can be a superpower.

Tammy Goen 15:01
Right! And knowing that, again, it’s just because it’s, it is easy for parents, for co workers, for anyone in a relationship of any kind to assume that the person is just kind of either choosing to be that sensitive, or just being difficult, you know? So once they realize, Oh, this isn’t, you know, this isn’t a choice, this isn’t, you know, just an unreasonable, I’m gonna, I want to be finicky today or be, you know, annoying or whatever it’s like, Okay, this is just where the person comes from, this is what they’re processing, you know, presents for them. This is how they take life, how they see life. And you know, when you’re talking about the superpower thing, one of the things that’s really awesome, and I always like to point out to everyone that is a benefit from in most, I don’t know how it would not be a benefit, that can also be a superpower in terms of people choosing their work in their career and life path and that kind of thing, is that there tends to be a extremely deep appreciation for beauty and art. So there tends to be a very deep connection with nature. And we can just be so incredibly any, like, seriously, literally moved to tears by a piece of music or a piece of art, or something like that. So, I mean, that’s just, that’s actually, when things get really challenging, it’s easy to think, Oh, I wish I wasn’t as sensitive, and this wasn’t even an issue. But then when I think of the things that I wouldn’t have, you know, how I can notice every little thing, and know that something has to be taken care of, or how well, how much I am so moved by my connection with nature and with music and art and beauty. So yeah, it’s really good to be ready to recognize both the challenges, so that people will understand, you know, it’s not just a choice, but then how you can work with that to, to make it you know, a real benefit.

Emmalou Penrod 17:01
So then do you see your role is just helping them understand how to take care of themselves how to manage and reduce that,

Tammy Goen 17:13
Yeah. So I mean, so much of it is that, you know, reducing, the calming the nervous system to reduce that overwhelm, you know, whether it’s kids or parents or, or whatever, just being able to, to come at it from a calmer place, and that automatically makes everything easier. You know, if you can start in a calmer place, then it’s easier to handle everything, even if it’s not what you would choose, right. So and then it’s a matter of helping people to validate either their children or themselves as just as important as anybody else with this trait rather than, like, again, you know, it’s something that has to be changed. So really valuing, you know, creating self compassion and understanding and trying to release, you know, as adults, release all of the things that have built throughout their childhood and into their adulthood, that they’ve held on to, that’s been making it a challenge to value themselves. Because they hear that you’re too this and too that. So letting that go is really important. And then, yeah, then lots of tools, you know, suggestions, personal experience on my own, you know, these work for me. I always give, you know, a big resource list, which is also on my website of just stuff that’s really helpful. Right now, it’s kind of difficult to tell people this, but one of the big things is to stay away from the news. Because one of the things with highly sensitives is that we really can’t tolerate very well, any kind of disrespect, violence, inhumane behavior, you know, anything like that, which, of course, is all of the stuff that, you know, makes the news. So that’s really overwhelming, overloading. So minimizing that is super important. And, you know, again, with the election coming, that’s a little challenging, but yeah, it’s key to be able to limit, you know, external forces that you do have control over, how much you’re on social media, that’s a huge deal, too. Because that can become overwhelming, not maybe each time you sit down, and that’s not, it’s not necessarily something that’s happening, that’s overwhelming at that point. But when you’ve got so many things coming at you and all the electronic stuff, and the sounds and all that kind of stuff that are triggers, often for highly sensitives, too. At some point that becomes very overwhelming. So, you know, trying to get your own environment where you can manage that isn’t is a huge deal, too. And just trying to be aware, we know once you acknowledge that the trait and recognize that you’re okay, having that trait, then you can kind of create your life so that it works for you. It doesn’t mean you have to stop seeing people or stop going out or, you know, changing things to make it not enjoyable for you. You can just set those limits, and know that that’s okay. You know, usually Yeah, it sounds really good to go out tonight and do that. But I’d really rather stay in because I kind of need to recharge, regroup. And that, you know, that other thing might just push me over the edge. And again, if you’ve had conversations with people, you can explain that to them, rather than just being like, Oh, no, thank you. And then people are wondering why, you know, why do you never want to do anything together? Or, you know, that, why do you want to avoid me? Or all those assumptions that can happen if it’s not, So and it’s good, you know, for parents to recognize the same thing with their children. Sometimes, though, they’ll think, you know, why does my kid not want to have, you know, 16 friends and go on all these overnights and go to these parties or go to or whatever, and they just, you know, she’s just fine. Staying in a room and reading or, you know, bringing one friend over for like, an hour or two, and then she’s ready to be done. You know, why is that? Well because that’s her level of tolerance for taking, you know, I mean, kids are actually much better at knowing when they, how they need to take care of themselves. They just aren’t always allowed that opportunity. But they’re pretty good with figuring it out if we allow them that space.

Emmalou Penrod 21:23
Yeah. So you mentioned the survey, it’s on your website. And I’ll have a link to your website, but just put out, just tell us what your website is. How can people contact you?

Tammy Goen 21:38
Yeah, they can go to lifescape-wellness.com. There are, you know, you can read about me, you can read about coaching, but there’s a page specific to highly sensitives that you can peruse through there. And then there’s also a resource page that has like the the list that I always give everybody that has, you know, ideas on music, and people to listen to that can help you, you know, calm yourself and meditations and things like that. And then I also have a blog section, blog post, and actually under there, there’s they’re by category. So you can click on just the highly sensitive category, and find all of the blog posts that I’ve offered that are pertinent, if not specifically geared toward highly sensitives. So there’s a bit of information on there to help folks and, you know, if they’re wondering if this could be my kid, or you know, could this be myself, and they can pretty probably, you know, get a pretty good idea on that. And then there’s other resources available as well.

Emmalou Penrod 22:42
Well, that sounds like a very valuable resource and good to check out. And I learned years ago, as a teacher, I heard the phrase, the most helpful thing to do is just assume everyone you meet is doing the best they can.

Tammy Goen 22:57
And that’s one of those things, that’s a key to remembering, if you’re having issues with the way someone’s, you know, reacting to you or talking with you about things is to remember, not only are they doing the best they can, but it’s from their perspective, So we can understand each other to that point of knowing, you know, if that person is not highly sensitive, they’re not going to, they’re not going to get, you know, to that level of what that is like. And just like you can’t, the highly sensitive isn’t going to understand how the other person could not see it that way.

Emmalou Penrod 23:32
Yes,yes.

Tammy Goen 23:32
So it’s that need to share and communicate, so that it can be understood and just worked through instead of being such a challenge.

Emmalou Penrod 23:41
Well, I can see this saving marriages.

Tammy Goen 23:46
Right,

Emmalou Penrod 23:47
You know, keeping families from splitting, you know, I mean, just all of the conflict, if we can just feel, you know, see life in the other person’s perspective, you know, walk a mile in their shoes kind of thing.

Tammy Goen 24:02
And it really can empower parents, because if they get a better understanding of their child, they can be a better parent.

Emmalou Penrod 24:08
Yeah.

Tammy Goen 24:08
And then realize if they are also highly sensitive or their child’s not, but they are, and that’s why they were having a hard time dealing with certain behaviors or whatnot. Yeah, it can be very empowering, just having that knowledge. You know, just like with everything, awareness is the first step, right. So as soon as you have that awareness that this is even, I mean, that was my big thing is like, I didn’t know this was a thing. I didn’t know that was identified as anything that someone thought to study and found out that all of the, you know, so many people experienced this too. And it’s very liberating. And then it can be very empowering.

Emmalou Penrod 24:42
Yes. And hasn’t this come about because of the development of neuroscience? We are now able to study more about the brain, how it works.

Tammy Goen 24:50
Yeah, even since, Elaine Aaron is the person that I’ve, you know, how I discovered it and she’s done all of the research. And so even since the time that she started doing that there are new advancements. And so they’re able to, that’s how they know it’s actually genetic. It is a genetic trait. So there have been a lot of studies, a lot of testing, a lot of new information because of all of the technology that’s available now.

Emmalou Penrod 25:21
Well, Tammy, thank you so much for sharing all this information you have gathered and sharing the valuable services and resources you’re offering. And I know it will help a lot of people.

Tammy Goen 25:37
Well, it’s been great to be here and I just love sharing it and helping people find out about the highly sensitive trait. Because it’s, yeah, it can be amazing if if we have those tools.

Emmalou Penrod 25:50
Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. Well, thank you and you have a great day.

Tammy Goen 25:57
You too. Thank you so much for having me.