Homework, Whose Responsibility Is It?

Parents are responsible to provide for their children’s basic needs.  They provide food, shelter, nurturing and structure. When it comes to homework, parents provide a time and place for homework and any necessary materials.  They sit down with their children to offer encouragement and guidance. Should they try to force their children to complete their homework? Or do the homework for them?

To answer those questions let’s answer two other questions first.  What is the purpose of homework? And who is responsible for its completion?  The purpose of homework is to reinforce what your child learned in school that day for elementary students, and to allow additional time to complete assignments and reinforce concepts for secondary students.  Homework is between the teacher and the student. Your child has the responsibility to complete it and turn it in, your job is to support them.

It is natural for parents to feel the pressure to make sure their children are doing well in school.  However, when you feel it’s your job to get your children to achieve in school, you put yourself in the powerless position of needing something from your children, who don’t have to, and may decide not to, give you what you want.  You find yourself putting more energy into completing homework than your child does. It becomes a power struggle, with your child fighting to have more control over their choices. You feel out of control and punish, nag, threaten, and may try to do the work for them.  Soon both you and your child are fighting harder for control, and your home becomes a war zone.

You cannot make your child care about homework or school.  You may feel your child just isn’t motivated. This isn’t entirely true.  They are motivated, just not to do the things you want them to do. Children can become very creative in finding ways to get out of doing homework.  They can forget it, lose it, complete it sloppily, or neglect to turn it in. You have probably already witnessed several methods. You cannot control your child’s attitude, but you can focus on what helps their behavior improve.  Take a step back and observe the family dynamics and patterns. What does your child enjoy doing? Which parental interactions trigger them? Has there been a time in the past when homework wasn’t a struggle? If so, why not? If you can’t answer that question yourself, ask your child.

What structure do you have set up in your family?  Is there a specific time and place for homework to occur?  Be responsive to your child’s needs to make sure it is the best time for them, not right after school, but not too late in the evening either.  Do what you can to eliminate distractions–turn off the electronics, arrange to use a public area in the house for adequate supervision while keeping the atmosphere calm and quiet, and turn off your phone.  Are there logical consequences for failing grades? Do your children know they earn screen time and activities with friends when their homework is done?

If your child has special needs, check into the instructional method and accommodations provided.  Do they match best practice for the disability? Do you know what instructional method and means of measuring comprehension are most effective for your child?  Does the teacher know? Could your child demonstrate competence in math by completing 10 problems instead of 20? Do they need extended time to complete assignments?  Will they do better taking an oral test instead of a written one? Would a planner, checklist and folder to carry papers from the teacher to you be helpful? You are the most effective advocate for your child.  Determine which supports are needed and make sure they are in place. For more information about how you can support your child with special needs, complete the contact form on https://insupportoffamilies.com/contact-us/

If you are convinced that your child is capable of completing assignments and simply chooses not to regardless of the consequences, you are most likely lost in a power struggle.  Maintain the consequences and disengage from the nightly battle. Let your child choose to refuse to do homework and then allow them suffer the consequences. Don’t try to rescue them because you fear they will fail the class.  If your child needs to learn the consequences of irresponsibility the hard way, wouldn’t it be better for them to learn it by failing a class at 14 and having to make up the credit rather than by losing a job as an adult? Is failing a class the worst thing that could happen to your child?  

Are you fearing the failed grade because of the impact it will have on your child?  Or because of the impact it will have on you? When you take over one of your child’s responsibilities you send them the message that they are not capable.  You are telling them that you do not believe in them or have confidence in their ability.

Dr. Beth Halbert, America’s Teenologist, once told me that she always chooses the relationship over being right.  This means you do not force an argument with your child at the expense of your relationship with them. When you fight to be right about their inadequacy, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You can insist that you have to make them do homework because they are too lazy, and you will be right. Argue that they are irresponsible and hopeless, and you will be right. It is foolish to engage in a “to the death” conflict with a loved one.  More can be gained by listening to your child to understand their feelings than just shouting them down. Friends may come and go, but the parent-child relationship lasts for the rest of your life. Make it a positive, nurturing and close relationship.  Choose your battles wisely.