Is there a “right” way to parent? While everyone puts their own personality into whatever they do, psychologists have identified three basic parenting styles. You may have heard of them before, Authoritarian “Because I said so!”, Permissive or Indulgent, and Authoritative–assertive rather than intrusive and supportive more than punitive.
Authoritarian parents have high expectations for their children and their emphasis in on obedience. They are demanding but not responsive to their children. Permissive parents are responsive to their children but not demanding. Their focus is on avoiding confrontation and being more of a friend than an authority figure. Authoritative parents have high expectations for their children which are tempered with compassion and support. They are both demanding and responsive to their children.
Can you recognize the parenting style you were raised with? Is it the same style you use for your children? My oldest brother once told me, when he was a young father and I was still a teenager, that he had vowed he would not make the same mistakes our parents had made in raising us. And then he became a father and found he made a whole new set of mistakes. It was a humorous and touching moment I remember with fondness. Of course our parents made mistakes in raising us and we will make mistakes in raising our children. The beauty of our human condition is the ability to learn, change and grow.
Recently five new parenting styles have been identified. Let’s examine each one and see how they compare with the traditional three styles.
Positive Parenting is about empowering children. It is based on the belief that complete fulfillment and deep satisfaction result from being authentic to the potentialities of the self. Rather than imposing strict rules, it relies on guiding or coaching children. It’s about brainstorming with children to guide them in acquiring the skills of choice making, considering possibilities and becoming aware of the fact that actions have consequences.
Attachment Parenting, also known as Intuitive Parenting or Natural Parenting, is rooted in the belief that if an infant’s emotional and physical needs are quickly and consistently responded to and met, the child will be likely to build a positive attitude to life, believing that they are unconditionally loved, the world is a good place, and people mean well and can be trusted. The more you connect with, tune into and bond with your child, the better you will know them and the more quickly you will be able to read them and understand and fulfill their needs. The theory behind this approach is that the more and quicker you meet your children’s needs, the better and faster you prepare them for healthy independence.
Unconditional Parenting, also known as Conscious Parenting, promotes accepting and supporting your child no matter how they behave or what they say. The idea is to give them the experience of being valued for who they are, regardless of whether their actions are approved of or disapproved of. Rewards and punishments are considered manipulative. The spirit of unconditional parenting is about encouraging children to work their way into their natural character rather than trying to change who they are in order to feel accepted, appreciated and admired.
Spiritual or Holistic Parenting is about respecting each child’s individuality and create the space for each child to develop their own beliefs based on their unique personality and individual potential. The idea is not to teach a role model, but BE the role model. Live your life the way you want your children to live. Be what you want them to learn and experience.
Slow or Nurturant Parenting is a reactionary response to both the stressful rat race mentality and the suffocating, overprotective tendencies of modern western parenting. The goal is to allow enough time and space for children to develop their own interests and grow into the persons they are supposed to be. Family schedules will not be overly full, time is allowed for members to choose their own activities, toys are simple instead of relying on electronics, parents step back and allow children to take risks, and time is taken to explore nature.
It has been said that the best parents don’t necessarily have spotless houses and well behaved children, they have happy children. Which of these parenting styles resonant with your? Are there elements in more than one that you want to incorporate into your parenting style? Whichever style you choose, make it genuine and intentional, based on love and a desire to help your children become their best selves.
And discuss this at length with the people who are actively involved in helping you raise your children. Spouses and partners can disagree on many things and still have a satisfying relationship, but this is one area that calls for consistency. The greater the difference in parenting style, the more conflict and confusion in the home. It will help to openly discuss your differences in private, never in front of your children, and determine how your upbringing affects your parenting style. Work to understand each other. Get counseling to resolve major differences. Learn more about parenting and various approaches and keep your children out of the conflict. Do not ask them to take sides. In the case of a blended family, decide who will be responsible for disciplining the child and how the other one will support. Focus on your love for each other and your children. Keep the long term goal of healthy, happy children prepared for life as independent adults in the forefront. Feel free to add your comments and suggestions below.