Anxiety
Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. We have all experienced it at times, and our children do, too. It becomes a problem when it is strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.
If you’ve seen the movie, “What about Bob?”, you may recall the scene in the beginning when he is struggling with making himself leave his apartment for his appointment with a psychiatrist to cure his anxiety. Bill Murray made anxiety appear to be humorous, but for many people it is crippling.
Have you experienced times when your child tells you they don’t want to go to school? Maybe they resist getting ready for school, complaining that they have a stomach ache, or dissolving into tears. They may even fight you when you try to get them in the car.
School anxiety is not willful disobedience. School anxiety is not an issue of not wanting to go to school as much as being immobilized by the dread of being there. It’s not a reflection on your ability to parent or your child’s behavior. Forcing them to go is not the answer. You need to address their fears.
How the Brain Works
Our brain is wired to protect us from danger. When a threat is perceived, it will increase our adrenaline levels, our heart rate and blood flow, and prepare us for fight or flight. This can save our lives when there is a real danger and we need to move quickly, but our brain can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat. It reacts the same way in an attempt to keep us safe. How do you feel after you have experienced an increase in adrenaline from a bad scare or perceived threat? Can you recall the feeling? Your heart is pounding and you have this extra adrenaline that needs to be dispersed. It’s hard to control your own brain even when you understand how it works and what is happening.
In many cases, there is no real danger. But remember that your child’s brain will not recognize the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat. It will still generate a physiological neurochemical response. It’s not that your child won’t respond to your prompts to get dressed and ready for school, they can’t.
What looks like a tantrum could be very simply a flight or fight response. The best approach to take at this time is to make sure your child feels safe. Anxiety has a way of making people feel like they have no control. Ordering your child to stop it and get in the car will not help. In some cases you will want to seek professional help. There are also several things you can do as a parent. Begin with these ideas.
Empower Your Child
Help your child understand what is going on. Talk about anxiety and how it affects them. Help them identify how their body reacts. You might talk about what normally happens to a body when the brain is on high alert and why this happens. The brain is preparing the body for action and this energy begins to build up. Ask them to describe how their body reacts. Assure them that this is normal and actually a good thing, because it keeps them safe in times of danger. Make sure they understand that their brain, specifically their amygdala, can’t tell the difference between a real danger and a fear of something that could happen. Teach them that they can take control of their brain by using the thinking part.
They can take a deep breath and bring their focus from what is happening inside their bodies to what is happening around them. Have them describe their environment in detail using all five senses. They can think of the people at school who care about them, the fun things they do there, and how school is strengthening their brain. They can tell their amygdala, there is no real danger. Teach them helpful self-talk, “I can handle this. I am safe at school. I will be fine.”
They still have all that extra adrenaline that needs to be used. Help them identify an activity, such as running, skipping, or jumping that they can do to help burn it off.
Help them break the pattern of anxiety by being prepared. When they are calm, ask them to write a letter to their brain. What would you say to someone who is anxious and worried when they don’t need to be? Discuss this with them and have them write a letter of what the thinking part of their brain would say to the amygdala. How can the thinking part assure the amygdala that there is no real threat or danger and the thinking part can handle it and take charge?
Have them make a list of all the things they need to do to get ready for school to make it a great day. Make sure they are getting plenty of sleep and have something lavender nearby that they can smell. Lavender oil calms a stressed out, hectic brain. Many people have found relief through tapping the meridian points while focussing on their anxiety and resolving it to access the body’s energy. Remind them that anxiety and courage always exist together. Help them become the boss of their brain.