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Welcome to In Support of Families! This is Emmalou Penrod. We often hear the expression “best interest of the child” whenever we talk about parenting. What does this mean? According to Findlaw.com, “In the context of child custody cases, focusing on the child’s “best interests” means that all custody and visitation discussions and decisions are made with the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging the child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood.” This definition of “fostering and encouraging the child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood” also applies to decisions about the education of the child. Most legal experts agree that a parent demonstrates their commitment to the best interests of their child when they are actively involved in his or her life and are providing attentive and loving care, such as being involved in his or her education, upbringing, extracurricular activities and other activities that nurture the child.
When a child is first born, all decisions for the child must be made by the parents. By the time the child reaches adulthood, they are making all of the decisions for themselves. How does that transition work? How do we move from doing everything for our child to surrendering all control and becoming a supportive friend? A natural transition occurs as your child grows in abilities and becomes able to do more for herself. You may notice while you are dressing her, that she wants to do it herself or even select the outfit herself. Or he may want to pour his own glass of water. Sometimes these first attempts can lead to disastrous results. You may be tempted to override their desires for autonomy and insist that you continue to do things for them, but is this in the best interests of your child? This does not mean we need to or should relinquish the adult role. If your child is trying to do something that could hurt them or someone else, clearly you have to intervene, just be clear on why you are intervening. Is it necessary to keep them safe? Or will it just make things more convenient for you? If you find you are still doing things for your child after they are able to do it for themselves, ask yourself if you are doing this for them or for yourself? Are you helping them? Or are you meeting your need to be in control or useful or needed? What is in the best interest of your child? To be waited on by a devoted parent? Or to learn new skills and develop autonomy and self-confidence? If the goal is to raise an independent, successful adult, what is the wisest approach? Perhaps the adage, “Never do something for your child that he can do for himself.” comes into play here.
How does this transfer of control work for school age children? How much autonomy should a child have at this stage? Should a school age child decide whether or not they attend school? Or what school they attend? Or whether or not they do homework?
Let’s go back to the question of safety. Obviously, you wouldn’t let your child run into the street, or play with matches or sharp knives. Part of your responsibility as a parent is to keep them safe and to teach them to take care of themselves. You would stop them from doing something dangerous and then explain why it is dangerous and how to cross a street safely, or handle matches or sharp knives. Children need to know we are concerned for their well being. And they may need help understanding long term consequences. The Frontal Lobe, the brain’s top executive, is the last part of the brain to develop in young adulthood. Rather sobering to think that teenagers are making decisions that will impact the rest of their lives at a time when their cognitive reasoning is not fully developed. And some youth have the added challenge of mental health issues, such as ADHD, Depression, Autism and Mood Disorders. How does that transfer of control from parent to child work in these cases? How do you work with a child who would be perfectly content to stay home from school every day and play video games? Or stay in their room and sleep? How much freedom can you allow a youth who just wants to hurt themselves? Or maybe even take their own life? How do you know which decisions they can make for themselves and which ones you need to make for them? For anyone who wants to make decisions for your child, including the child himself, apply the standard of “best interest”. Does this decision have the ultimate goal of fostering and encouraging your child’s happiness, security, mental health, and emotional development into young adulthood? Youth who are neural atypical will need more extensive parental involvement than neurotypical teens. The boundary between acting in the child’s best interest and unnecessary dominion or control must be carefully and sensitively protected.
All children need the guidance of a wise adult who is committed to protecting their welfare. They respond better when they have a relationship of trust, respect and love with that adult. You are in a unique role as a parent. You have the power of influence. Lean too far one way, and it becomes a matter of control which can become abusive in many forms. Lean too far the other way and you fail to fulfill your responsibility to protect and guide your child. Have you ever observed a family where the children are in charge? It’s not pretty. Adults need to be in charge with the focus on meeting the needs of their children.
Let’s see how that looks. The parents have decided it is in their child’s best interests to be educated to prepare for adulthood. They want to choose the best school for their child so they begin researching the options. They have a list of criteria they are using. Will they want to include their child in this research? In visiting the schools? Discussing the advantages and disadvantages of each? And in making the final selection? While the adult will need to make the final decision based on their resources and their understanding of what is in the best interests of their child, they will make a better decision if they include their child in the process and communicate clearly and openly with them. This is especially important when they determine that it is in the best interest of their child to make a decision that is contrary to their child’s wishes.
Recently I watched the movie, “Gifted”. This is the story of a man, Frank, raising his deceased sister’s daughter, Mary. Mary is exceptionally bright, especially in math. The story opens on the first day of school. Mary does not want to go to school and questions Frank on why she can’t continue learning at home with him. His reply explains that this has been a topic of discussion for some time now and he restates his reasons for having decided that school will be in her best interest. She reluctantly complies because she has learned to trust him and knows he loves her. It isn’t long before Mary’s gifts are noticed by her teacher and Frank is called in to the principal’s office where a scholarship to a school for gifted children is offered. Frank declines it because he feels Mary will be better served by having a normal childhood. Frank’s mother and Mary’s grandmother, Evelyn, disagrees and initiates a custody case with each adult arguing for their perspective on what will be best for Mary. The interesting point is that up until this time, Evelyn had not been involved in Mary’s life.
The story begins to examine not only the options Mary has, but the motives behind the adults who want to be the one who decides which option she takes. The questions that arise would be beneficial to ask in any situation when you are deciding what is best for your child. Am I focusing on my child? Or am I striving to fill a need in my own life? Am I trying to live through my child? Am I willing to sacrifice to meet my child’s needs? Am I coming from a position of authority as my child’s parent? Or am I being intimidated by another authority figure? Am I more worried about what other people think than about what my child needs?
I experienced this a few years ago when my teenage son, who is also gifted in math, took first place in a statewide math test. He received many honors including a full tuition scholarship from the university of his choice and an invitation to the governor’s office to be congratulated. It was an exciting time basking in the glory of having a son who had achieved such a distinction. It was all to culminate in his high school recognizing him at the Awards Assembly at the end of the school year. Just before the assembly, he told me he was tired of being the “celebrated scholar” and had decided not to attend the assembly. I was upset and disagreed with his decision, urging him to attend because the school officials were expecting him to and it would be embarrassing for them when he didn’t show up. He maintained his position and the situation ended in an unpleasant argument. As I thought about it later, I realized that my main concern with having him attend the assembly was the reflected glory I was anticipating for myself. It had nothing to do with what was best for him. He was 17, old enough to decide which social events he wanted to attend. I had been trying to live my life through him rather than accepting his decision not to attend the assembly. I apologized to him and this incident served as a lesson for me.
How do you meet the best interests of your child? Let’s start a discussion. Please go to my website, insupportoffamilies.com and leave a comment or question. I would love to hear from you. You can also subscribe to my show, In Support of Families, on iTunes. This is Emmalou Penrod. Have a great day!