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Welcome to In Support of Families! This is Emmalou Penrod and today we’re talking about school anxiety. Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. We have all experienced it at times, and our children do, too. It becomes a problem when it is strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities. If you’ve seen the movie, “What about Bob?”, you may recall the scene in the beginning when he is struggling with making himself leave his apartment for his appointment with a psychiatrist to cure his anxiety. Bill Murray made anxiety appear to be humorous, but for many people it is crippling. Have you experienced times when your child tells you they don’t want to go to school? Maybe they resist getting ready for school, complaining that they have a stomach ache, or dissolving into tears. They may even fight you when you try to get them in the car. School anxiety is not willful disobedience. School anxiety is not an issue of not wanting to go to school as much as being immobilized by the dread of being there. It’s not a reflection on your ability to parent or your child’s behavior. Forcing them to go is not the answer. You need to address the anxiety.
There are many types of anxiety that children can suffer from.
Separation anxiety: When children are worried about being separated from caregivers. These kids can have a hard time at school drop-offs and throughout the day.
Social anxiety: When children are excessively self-conscious, making it difficult for them to participate in class and socialize with peers.
Selective mutism: When children have a hard time speaking in some settings, like at school around the teacher.
Generalized anxiety: When children worry about a wide variety of everyday things. Kids with generalized anxiety often worry particularly about school performance and can struggle with perfectionism.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder: When children’s minds are filled with unwanted and stressful thoughts. Kids with OCD try to alleviate their anxiety by performing compulsive rituals like counting or washing their hands.
Specific phobias: When children have an excessive and irrational fear of particular things, like being afraid of animals or storms.
So what do you do when your child suffers from one of these forms of anxiety? Sometimes the solution can be simple and easy to address. I remember when I was about 5 to 7 years old and there were some days when I would wake up feeling like I wasn’t well enough to go to school. I would tell my mother that I couldn’t go to school that day because I felt sick. She would respond with sympathy and concern and then advise me to get ready for school and then see how I felt. She knew that if I proceeded with my daily routine, that would take my mind off my worries and I would be fine. It always worked. By the time I got dressed and ate breakfast, I felt ready to go to school. I remember being impressed with how smart she was. When I got older I appreciated how wise she was.
Our brain is wired to protect us from danger. When a threat is perceived, it will increase our adrenaline levels, our heart rate and blood flow, and prepare us for fight or flight. This can save our lives when there is a real danger and we need to move quickly, but our brain can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat. It reacts the same way in an attempt to keep us safe. How do you feel after you have experienced an increase in adrenaline from a bad scare or perceived threat? Can you recall the feeling? Your heart is pounding and you have this extra adrenaline that needs to be dispersed. It’s hard to control your own brain even when you understand how it works and what is happening.
Are children feeling more anxious now that a generation or two ago? Some argue that more is being required of them in our modern society. I remember going to Kindergarten, which was a half day, and not doing anything more challenging than finger painting. Now Kindergarten is a full day program in many schools and students are expected to be reading and writing by the end of their first year in school and have met 42 Core Curriculum standards just in Language Arts. In the past children were protected somewhat from harsh news such as natural disasters, war, crime or violence. With our modern media, there is not much they haven’t been exposed to before the age of 8.
Obviously we can’t protect our children from what is happening in the world, but we can help them process it. I like the comment Fred Rogers made about this. He told of being a young boy and becoming alarmed when he would see natural disasters on the news and scenes of people suffering. His mother would tell him, “Look for the helpers.” And then he noticed the rescue efforts and what other people could do to help someone in a desperate situation. We saw an example of that when a hurricane caused massive flooding in Texas. People with boats started organizing to help those who had been stranded, community relief programs were immediately implemented. Those of us watching the situation from other states were cheered by witnessing these relief efforts. Just knowing there is something you can do to help relieves anxiety. It can be helpful to involve children in the relief effort. They could donate some of their own money or participate on some level in a humanitarian effort.
So what do you do when your child needs more support than simple reassurance? The best place to start is by gathering more information. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings. What are they anxious about? Can they identify their fear? Is something going on at school they haven’t told you about? You may want to check with their teacher. Most teachers have a very good idea of what is going on in their classrooms. Your child’s teacher may have noticed a change in your child’s behavior and will be able to help you identify the cause, or any change in the dynamics of the group which could provide an explanation. Is there any legitimate reason your child is feeling unsafe at school? If there is, that will need to be addressed first.
In many cases, there is no real danger. But remember that your child’s brain will not recognize the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat. It will still generate a physiological neurochemical response. It’s not that your child won’t respond to your prompts to get dressed and ready for school, they can’t. What looks like a tantrum could be very simply a flight or fight response. The best approach to take at this time is to make sure your child feels safe. Anxiety has a way of making people feel like they have no control. Ordering your child to stop it and get in the car will not help. Instead, empower them.
Help your child understand what is going on. Talk about anxiety and how it affects them. Help them identify how their body reacts. You might talk about what normally happens to a body when the brain is on high alert and why this happens. How the brain is preparing the body for action and how this energy begins to build up. Ask them to describe how their body reacts. Assure them that this is normal and actually a good thing, because it keeps them safe. Make sure they understand that their brain, specifically their amygdala, can’t tell the difference between a real danger and a fear of something that could happen. Teach them that they can take control of their brain by using the thinking part.
They can take a deep breath and bring their focus from what is happening inside their bodies to what is happening around them. Have them describe their environment in detail using all five senses. They can think of the people at school who care about them, the fun things they do there, and how school is strengthening their brain. They can tell their amygdala, there is no real danger. I can handle this. I am safe at school. I will be fine. They still have all that extra adrenaline that needs to be used. Help them identify an activity, such as running, skipping, or jumping that they can do to help burn it off.
Help them break the pattern of anxiety by being prepared. When they are calm, ask them to write a letter to their brain. What would you say to someone who is anxious and worried when they don’t need to be? Discuss this with them and have them write a letter of what the thinking part of their brain would say to the amygdala to assure it that there is no real threat or danger and the thinking part can handle it and take charge. Have them make a list of all the things they need to do to get ready for school to make it a great day. Make sure they are getting plenty of sleep and have something lavender nearby that they can smell. Lavender oil calms a stressed out, hectic brain. Many people have found relief through tapping the meridian points while focussing on their anxiety and resolving it to access the body’s energy. Remind them that anxiety and courage always exist together. Help them become the boss of their brain.