In this episode, hosts Emmalou and David Penrod discuss the difference between being cautious and being paranoid. Where do we draw the line between doing the sensible logical things to keep your children safe and overprotecting? Learn how to balance love and logic when it comes to parenting, whether it’s for special needs kids or those growing up ordinarily.
—
Listen to the podcast here:
Cautious or Paranoid
We had an interesting experience as grandparents that I’d like to share. We were invited to go to a 5K. Our son and his wife were running in this 5K race. They have two daughters, aged six and seventeen months. They needed someone to supervise their children while they ran this race and we are happy to do it. We enjoy spending time with our grandchildren. The event was held on the State Fairgrounds. There were thousands of people there.
Lots of people were coming and going.
They run several races every half hour or something.
They couldn’t have tolerated everybody at one time. It would’ve been a total disaster.
Also, they had a bubble-making machine. It was called the Bubble Run. I was with the six-year-old and David was with the seventeen-month-old. We’ve mentioned in a previous episode that he has earned the title of The Baby Whisperer.
I identify with little tiny ones.
You’ve had years of experience. Your mother tells me that you started taking care of your younger siblings when you were eight or nine years old and that you were responsible, tender and gentle with them. You have a gift there, honey. He was taking care of the little one and I was with the six-year-old. It caused some anxiety for me because this girl is an active six-year-old. She’s not the stand by the adult side, hold hands and be careful.
She wants to get out and experience the world. She wants to make herself present in front of the line. She’s like, “Go, go.”
As I watched her, I could not help thinking that it would be easy for someone to grab her, shove her into a car and we’d never see her again. With the thousands of people there, you don’t know. I was intently aware of safety issues and making sure she’s safe. When they would turn that bubble machine on and everyone was covered in bubbles, they were unrecognizable.
Bubbles were everywhere and coming down fast like a blizzard.
It’s hard to keep track of her because she moves fast. When everyone is covered in bubbles, it’s hard to tell who’s who.
It is dear to the heart of a grandparent to spend time with their precious grandchildren and watch that miracle of them growing up. Share on XShe liked to sit down in the bubbles because they were deep. When she sat down, you’d barely see her head.
It was making me nervous. I could have been right by her in the bubbles, but that wasn’t an experience I wanted.
It was muddy in there underneath the bubbles.
She was covered in mud. I watched her at one point. They were playing music. She was dancing to the music and loving the bubbles. The look on her face was pure joy. She was having an experience she’s going to remember for the rest of her life. She was loving being there and being a part of it all.
This is one of the few times that I’ve seen her not out actively making friends because everybody was busy playing in the bubbles. There wasn’t much time for talking and doing things.
She was scooping up bubbles and putting them on other children.
She does interact.
She loves to interact and that’s another thing. She’s comfortable around strangers. She’ll go up and talk to any adult, which is another thing that makes me nervous. As I’m analyzing the situation, I’m observing that with the setup where we were, vehicles weren’t allowed. We had to walk in quite a distance to get to where the event was. If somebody did snatch her, they’d have to carry her quite a distance before they could put her into a car. I’m analyzing what my irrational fear is and what the actual danger is.
Are you coming from the aspect of the stranger-danger philosophy that was so prevalent for many years?
Yes, I am. I want her to be safe, especially as a grandparent. First of all, you love that child like they’re your own. Your children’s children are precious to you. You also feel the weight of that responsibility when a grandchild is in your care. You want to make sure that nothing bad happens to them. Nothing’s worse than having to call your child and say, “I’m in the emergency room. Your child broke a bone.” You do not want to go there. You want to be there to support your children in raising their children in any way you can, transportation and supervising them. It is dear to the heart of a grandparent to spend time with those precious grandchildren and watch that miracle of them growing up. Could I live with it if something happened to my granddaughter when I was responsible for supervising and ensuring her safety? Where is that line between you’re just doing the sensible logical things to keep your children safe and when have you crossed it to overprotecting?
Hovering, helicopter parenting, and paranoia.
I thought of that term. I love the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay. He roughly describes three types of parenting. One is the helicopter parent where you’re doing something for them they could do for themselves. You are hovering, trying to rescue them from the world and anything bad that can happen. There’s the drill sergeant who’s completely controlling their life. A drill sergeant parent probably wouldn’t have taken them to a place like that. They probably would have hired a babysitter and kept them home. I thought about that and I remembered the joy on my granddaughter’s face. She was having an experience and loving it. That’s what made me think, “Take reasonable measures to make sure she’s safe.” I was watching her closely, watching who came close to her, who was around her and what she was doing. When they turned the bubble machine off and she came out of the mud, I would be up closer to her while she went to the other activities and events. I thought, “David’s with the seventeen-month-old. It’s much easier to snatch a baby.”
I had some advantages. Number one, we had a stroller so that she could spend part of her time safely strapped in her stroller and sheltered from the sun. We could seek out some shade. We didn’t have to be in the middle of the activity of the bubbles. There was one time that an older one came, brought some bubbles over and put them on her feet, not her hand. She was experiencing it, but she was not getting into it the way the older one was. She was totally observing what was going on, but not absorbed in the activities. She would kick her feet a little bit when she’d hear the music. She kicked to the music and jostle her body, but she was definitely not as into it as the older one.
I thought, “David is right with her.” You didn’t leave her for a minute.
She was never more than a foot or two away from me.
We knew she was safe. It’s perfectly acceptable. Their parents could have hired a babysitter and left them home. The six-year-old, we were there at the finish line and she was watching for her parents. When she found them and identified, she ran out to join them and completed the rest of the race with them. She would not have had that experience staying at home.
While you were waiting for the parents to show up, you got her involved in cheering all of the racers as they crossed the finish line. I’m sure she enjoyed that. It seemed to me like she was enjoying.
It was a beautiful day. It was wonderful to be outside and exciting to be around other people. They had a lot of interesting displays. She was fascinated with those and she loved the bubbles.
Some of the racers were dressed in interesting costumes too. There were tutus, clown suits and all kinds of different things that they were wearing.
In the end, I decided I’m glad we did that. I feel like there needs to be a balance between keeping your child safe and allowing them to experience life and believe in themselves, believe that they are capable of keeping themselves safe. A helicopter parent would be tying shoes for a child who has learned to tie them themselves. Children with special needs don’t meet those traditional-age milestones. I have great respect for those parents who understand that. In spite of ridicule they may get for others, they know their child’s unique needs and care for them wisely.
Whether it’s a special needs child or one growing up ordinarily, it’s still preferable to observe carefully what their capabilities are and encourage them to take the next steps to get to a new level. Also, to learn a new skill, to become more confident and capable rather than continuing to do something for them that you have been doing for them. They’re getting older and more practiced at things and they could be capable of doing things. It’s like training an infant to start walking, we encourage them and we cheer them on. We help them stand up. We assist them in learning the balance. As they start gaining confidence, then they do more of that on their own.
When I had the young one there in the cart, she didn’t like being in the stroller the whole time. Sometimes, she wanted to be picked up. She wanted to get a better view of what was going on. At the start of the race, I had her up on my shoulder so that she could see her mom and dad, and they could wave. She enjoyed watching that. She didn’t want any of that for long periods of time. On the shoulders got old. In the stroller got old. Putting her out on the grass got old fast because she doesn’t yet enjoy the feel of grass on her legs. She was okay getting out and sitting on the asphalt where we were in the shade and it was not overly hot. She enjoyed that for a while. Vary the experience and permit them to explore to the degree that they are capable. Obviously, the older one is capable of doing almost anything she wants. The younger one is much more limited, but still loved getting varied experiences.
There needs to be a balance between keeping your child safe and allowing them to experience life and believe that they are capable. Share on XI recommend Parenting with Love and Logic. I love that book. I got a lot of wisdom in it.
This parenting concept and that balance go beyond that. It goes right to the workplace. I have had bosses that were helicopter bosses, drill sergeants, and all different things that you can think of. The jobs I appreciated the most were the ones that taught me what I needed to do, accepted that I was capable of doing them and then had minimum amounts of supervision after that point. They would check-up and make sure things were flowing and that I was able to accomplish what was needed. That is where we need to go with parenting as the children age.
The emphasis is on the training because that’s one of the drawbacks to being a helicopter parent is they don’t provide the training. They’re intervening saying, “No. Don’t.” They’re not teaching, “This is how to become a responsible competent adult.” The consulting parent is teaching, “These are some things you need to know. Here are some tasks.” They’re getting them involved with learning to manage a budget, knowing how to clean house, how to interact with other people, and how to get along.
A lot of people have found that as time has gone on in our society, in many areas, more adult children that never learned how to budget money and never learned how to figure out how to stretch what they were earning. They would see that mom and dad had all this stuff and they wanted it because now that they’re married, they should have all that, not realizing that it took mom and dad twenty or 30 years to accumulate all that. It is important to continue that education in all aspects so that we are not only raising safe children but when they get to be adults that they’re ready to take on adult responsibilities and know what to do with it.
It doesn’t mean you’re not setting limits. You can give them choices and letting them learn how to make decisions.
We taught our kids when they were little that their sole job when we would take them into a store was. “You’ve got to keep track of me because there’s more of you guys than there are of me. Your job is to make sure you can always see me.” I will try my best to keep track of all of you, but for kids going in three different directions, one parent can’t do that.
I like that idea too. We gave them responsibility.
Since they had a job to do, especially as they got a little older, they were more capable of doing it.
The lesson here is to teach your children and your grandchildren well. Make sure they know how to take care of themselves. Supervise them appropriately, give them choices and let them experience life.
With a little responsibility. As they are capable of handling it, give them more responsibility.
The older I get, the more I realize the truth and the only way you can have total freedom is with total responsibility. As long as you’re still blaming something on someone else, you’re not taking responsibility. You don’t have total freedom.
We see a lot of that in our society. There are those that cannot recognize or will not recognize that they are largely responsible for whatever their situation in life is, whether it’s good or bad.
Know your child. Know their unique needs and capabilities. Recognize that they are gaining skills, praise them, celebrate with them and let them experience even situations that may make you nervous. Cross over into that cautious, but not paranoid.