Welcome to In Support of Families. This is Emmalou Penrod. There are many ways to raise children. In an earlier blog, I wrote about various parenting styles. In addition to various styles, children can be raised by one parent, two parents, or a group of extended family members. Today I want to talk about the importance of communication when more than one adult is parenting.
Imagine an elephant in your living room. You are standing in front of him, looking at his trunk and ears. Your parenting partner is standing at the back looking at his tail. If more people are involved in helping you, they are standing on the sides. The elephant represents the components of raising your children–providing for physical, emotional and financial needs, training in self-care, family structure, preparing your children for adult life, teaching them to believe in themselves, setting appropriate boundaries, discipline, supporting them in academics and learning–all of the aspects that make up parenting a child. From your perspective, you can see clearly what the challenge is and what needs to be done. You call out to the others, directing them on what needs to happen and what you have decided is the best approach. But they don’t agree with you. They have very different ideas on how to proceed. You find you are wasting time arguing about it until it becomes apparent that nothing is being accomplished. Successful parenting is not happening.
Obviously you are viewing the task from different perspectives. You don’t agree because you don’t share the same vantage point. Everyone comes to parenting with an opinion based on their childhood experiences–what their parents did that they want to continue, or what their parents did that they don’t want to repeat–observations they have made from other parents, research they have completed, or their own trial and error attempts.
In some cases they remain rooted in their position, insisting that they are right and everyone else is wrong, lamenting that no progress is being made because no one will listen to them and do things the “right” way and blaming their failure on the other adults, their child or their child’s disability. They don’t parent they way they had intended, but they have the satisfaction of knowing it wasn’t their fault.
If there is no consistency, children with special needs will not be getting the structure they need. They will not have the safe environment that allows them to learn coping skills to regulate their emotions. They need consistent support to develop their executive functioning skills. The resulting chaos is threatening for them and increases meltdowns. Some children, seeing the breakdown in communication, can easily learn how to play the adults against each other. They soon figure out which parent to ask to get what they want. They can distract their parents into an argument to move the attention away from the child’s behavior to the adult egos. Their parents may find themselves falling in the trap of competing to be the popular parent instead of the enforcer.
What would happen if all adults committed to the responsibility of parenting put their egos aside and walked together around the elephant. They could discuss the various features, perspectives and options, listening patiently while all members of the team expressed their experiences and suggestions. Combining their knowledge and experience, and seeking for additional information from experts, they could devise a plan that would support their children in getting all of their needs met. Parents can work together to allow their children to accomplish the tasks and learn the skills necessary for life as an independent adult.
Parents can set long term and short term goals. Clearly parenting will necessitate more than one trip around the elephant. Each stage of childhood will need to be discussed, adjustments made as changes come up and observations from all perspectives shared. The more thoroughly all parents understand all aspects of the elephant, the more effective their parenting will be. This understanding will result from daily, open and objective communication.
There is no room for blaming or self-recrimination. Parents are not perfect people. They will make mistakes. Their children will make mistakes. It is not helpful to allow any mistake to take you off the path permanently or for an extended period of time. Errors can be corrected in a matter-of-fact, non judgemental way and the path resumed as quickly as possible. The more quickly mistakes can be corrected, the better. Rather than beating yourself up or berating another when someone slips, your mantra could be, “Correct and continue.” When you get knocked off the path, get back on again in as few steps as possible. Keep your goal of raising a confident, independent adult who is able to serve others focussed in your mind and keep moving forward.
It really is easier to raise children with the support of other adults. It can be a rewarding experience for everyone when you consider all perspectives, allow input from all participants–which includes your children as they gain in years and maturity–and communicate respectfully and often.
What have you found to be the most effective way to communicate with your parenting partners? Comment below.