Well managed family traditions and rituals strengthen family connections, create a comforting sense of belonging and history, and can even reduce family conflict. What positive family traditions are you establishing for your children? Learn more about how you can strengthen your family here.
Welcome to In Support of Families. This is Emmalou Penrod. Do you have a favorite family tradition? One that calls you back home? Brings a smile to your face and happy memories of a childhood spent with people you loved and that you knew loved you and cared about you?
Family traditions are an enriching part of any child’s life and they’re a great gift that parents can provide for their families. Often when we talk about family traditions we think of holidays, major life events, and maybe even pageantry and expense–going on a family cruise, going to Disneyland. Traditions don’t always have to be expensive or elaborate. Sometimes they can be very simple. Something like going for a family walk at a designated time. Maybe every Saturday morning after the family cleans the house they know it’s time to go for a walk. It could be taking a child out to eat on his birthday. A family tradition starts as any activity that you do together that is enjoyable and meaningful. Think of the things that you do together that are enjoyable and meaningful. Maybe it’s just reading together. It starts out as just an event and its enjoyed so much, it’s naturally repeated. You want to do it again. It was fun; everybody enjoyed it. Maybe it’s just popping a batch of popcorn and gathering around the TV to watch a movie together. It becomes a routine. Maybe every Friday night is popcorn and movie night in the family room. When the routine becomes our thing to do, it moves into a ritual. So, you’ve developed this habit of popping popcorn and everyone in the family room to enjoy a movie together and as its impact strengthens, it matures into a tradition. Sometimes these traditions are formed very intentionally. A family could decide, we’re going to make this a family tradition. Or sometimes they evolve incidentally; it just seems to fall into place. Either way, it has great value. It can include heighten attentiveness and something extra that lifts events above the ordinary. Suddenly, Friday evening isn’t boring anymore. We have something we do together.
Family traditions, when done right, lend a certain magic spirit and texture to our everyday lives. It’s something we anticipate; just like in some families we look forward to Christmas because we know we’re going to be opening presents on Christmas morning. But traditions can also have a negative impact if they’re not meeting that need for love and a transfer of family values. They can be lifeless and tasteless; and, when they’re forced and meaningless, they can actually drive a family apart. If the tradition is something we do just because one member of the family, quite often a parent, insists that we do this whether we want to or not, that’s not going to create positive happy memories and be something that bonds the family and pulls them together.
As our children mature, especially as they reach adolescence, activities that were fun for them when they were six or seven years old, may no longer be as applicable. As they develop their sense of self, they need to re-negotiate how they relate to family members. This is in an age when their peers become more important to them, have a greater influence on them than their families. They’re more interested in spending time with their friends. They may value more what their friends think and how they feel. They need that opportunity to communicate and maybe change their role in how they participate in the family tradition. Maybe you have a tradition that all of the children go to bed early on Christmas Eve while the adults prepare the Christmas tree and the Christmas stockings. Maybe the adolescent wants to be involved in that preparation. They may want to be involved more in the planning and preparing. Perhaps they want to pop the popcorn for the movie night, interact briefly with their siblings, and then go enjoy an evening with their friends. Teenagers need that opportunity to adjust how they will participate, mindful of parental guidance and encouragement that we want to strengthen our family. Adolescents don’t benefit by completely eliminating the rituals and the traditions, because they still need that consistency in their lives. Family rituals can provide opportunities for them to share what they like and what they don’t like about the family interactions, help them feel like they are individuals, and help them feel connected to their family. They have their independence, but they’re still connected. They still have responsibilities in the family; they’re still part of it; there is still a connection. It’s important for adolescents to feel connected to their families but not constrained by the family and sometimes that’s a fine thin line that takes a lot of communication between parents and teenagers to make that effective, to make it work for your family.
Family traditions can give so much strength and resilience to children. Studies have shown that when families engage in more shared activities together, varied over time according to the developmental needs of the children, they were less likely to experience conflict five years later. Family traditions can help reduce subdue sibling rivalry or any conflict within a home. They can help prepare you for those challenges and storms that come to families; I don’t think any family escapes them. Perhaps your family is undergoing a major move and it’s been so disruptive to your family routine. Your children are anxious, but they have those routines that they know they can count on. Maybe you have pancakes every Saturday morning for breakfast. They know that there is still that weekly bike ride with dad. They have something they know they can count on. Mom will still make cinnamon rolls; whatever it is that provides comfort and stability, even if the main source of the stressor originates with in the family itself. There was an interesting study done that showed that families of alcoholics are less likely to transmit alcoholism to the next generation if they maintain the family dinner time ritual and do not allow a parent’s alcoholism to interfere with this time together. So, even if the outside world looking at the family decides it’s a dysfunctional family, if there is still some continuity, that we eat meals together, it’s still provides some stability and eliminates or prohibits that transferal from generation to generation, which we sometimes see in families with problems, where the children grow up and then bring that problem to the next generation, such as alcoholism or abuse. Family traditions can still help the family.
Of course, we want much more than that for our children. We want them to learn a sense of self, learn who they are, and develop the core values that help them set their course in life. We want them to strive to become better people, to dream, and have the resilience to work towards their dreams. We have also found out that when children know their heritage, the countries that their families came from, the religious and cultural history of their family, it helps them develop greater resilience. Why? Because as they learn about their ancestors and the challenges that they had to face, and sometimes they’re far greater than anything children growing up nowadays might have to deal with, then they can see, this is my heritage. If my ancestors overcame serious problems, I can too. They learn about great-grandpa struggling to find work during the depression, great-grandmother helping to collect newspapers and rubber during World War II. They learn about an ancestor who had to immigrate from another country and learn an entire new language and a new culture. And then they realize, I can do that, too. They feel stronger. They feel more self-confident.
Family traditions can strengthen a family bond. They fill that basic need of being part of a group. I was recently at a family party with my husband; and I listened with enjoyment as he and his siblings shared stories of their time growing up together. They talked about the things that they did together, their traditions, and the love that they had for each other was so evident in the room. I reflected on how through the years his siblings have reached out to each other. If someone’s building a house, they’re all over there to help. If someone is in a crisis, they don’t have far to go to find help someone that will offer support, practical help or just a listening ear. That family bond is so strong, and it offers comfort and security.
Through these family traditions you teach values. You share your values with your children. You help them develop their own. You help them set their moral compass so that they are grounded. They can set their goals, work towards them, and maintain their integrity. You pass on your cultural and religious heritage through family traditions; you connect generations, and create lasting memories. Good traditions and rituals are built on the principle of inclusion; so, we want to allow whole family involvement, discussion, and even at times dissent. A good tradition allows for negotiation. Maybe Thanksgiving Dinner doesn’t have to always be held on Thanksgiving Day. Maybe another day close to it, even a week before, can work to meet with everyone’s schedule. If we want to include everyone, we need to include those with differing views; and everyone needs to feel that their view is being heard, that their opinion matters. Recall the words of Tevye, “Life without traditions is as shaky as a fiddler on the roof.” Provide those stabilizing family traditions for your children.
What are your family traditions? What traditions have you already started with your family? Please share them in the comments on my website insupportoffamilies.com. If you’re listening to this through iTunes, please give me a five-star review. Share with others how we can strengthen families by establishing positive, inclusive family traditions that everyone can enjoy and treasure. Remember to check out my website, insupportoffamilies.com, where you’ll find other articles on families and especially on education, how you can support your K-12 children and help them get the best education possible. This is Emmalou Penrod hoping you have a great day!