If you have flown with a commercial airline, you are familiar with the directions from the flight attendant, put your own oxygen mask on before you attempt to help someone else. Why is this good advice? Perhaps a better question is how can you help someone else when you are unconscious? The logic of this advice is sound, but a challenge for parents.
Many parents would prefer to deny themselves than see their children do without. You’ll see parents with holes in their shoes buying new shoes for their children, giving the last of their food to their children, spending money on their children they wouldn’t spend on themselves, doing everything they can to make sure their children have a better future than they did. Noble and self-sacrificing? That’s what parents do.
But at what point are they neglecting their own oxygen mask? When are they in danger of giving so much they become incapacitated? Remember, you can’t help someone else if you’re broken. When you take care of yourself, put your oxygen mask on first, you can give your best to your children.
Before we begin talking about self-care, we need to clarify one misconception of many parents. Sometimes in their zeal to provide the best for their children, they feel they must provide all of the care themselves. They know that no one else loves their children as much as they do and no one else knows their children as well, so it makes sense that they are the only ones qualified to care for their little ones, 24/7, even when they’re sick, or exhausted, or overwhelmed.
This is not true. Repeat after me, parents have permission, and in fact are expected, to use the resources around them. Our children are our future. It makes sense to share them. Call on extended family members, neighbors, and professionals to support you in caring for your children. Trade nights out with a neighbor. You watch all the children one week, they care for all of them the next. You are not in this by yourself. This is the first step in making sure you put your oxygen mask on first.
It’s all about health. You can be a better parent when you are healthy–physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and socially. Do you nourish your body with the best healthy foods for you? What about consistent exercise? Make it part of your day, park the car further away, jog around the park while your children play, have an exercise room in your house. You’ll be setting a positive example for your children as well as caring for yourself.
Getting enough sleep is possibly the biggest challenge parents face, especially if any of your children have special needs. Get creative. If your health is at stake, it makes sense to hire a babysitter to take a nap or get a good night’s sleep.
What rejuvenates your soul? Charges your battery? Make that part of your day, even if only for 30 minutes. Get up early enough in the morning to indulge in that favorite pastime, or make it part of the time you take for yourself when you are sharing your childcare responsibilities with someone else. Journal about your emotions. Talk to a trusted friend. Write down everything you are thankful for. Take care of your emotional health.
Connect with a higher power. I know I relied heavily on God while raising my children. Whatever your religious beliefs are, make time throughout your day to pray, meditate and reflect on something larger than yourself. Feed your spirit.
It is true that a concerned mother does better research than the FBI. Broaden your research and keep your mind active by learning about topics of interest to you. This is another way to teach valuable lessons to your children. Let them see you completely lost in a book or hear you talking excitedly about something you’ve learned. As they mature into teenagers, you will need to keep your intellect keen to keep up with them.
There is a tendency for parents to neglect their social circle as they become involved in the lives of their children. You will not have as much social time, but keep what you can. Spend time with people who leave you feeling energized. You may feel this is a luxury when you are dealing with the challenges of a child in crisis, but that’s when you will need those social interactions the most. If your child’s behavior problems are leaving you feeling overwhelmed, find or start a parent support group. Connect with parents who have been through or are going through similar challenges. Build a network of people to support you.
Parenting is not easy. Many parents find it to be the most challenging, demanding, and exhausting thing they do, but also the most rewarding. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You will be more effective and survive to enjoy your grandchildren.