When we find out we are about to become a parent, we often expect a great deal of ourselves, sometimes overwhelmingly so. I was expecting to become some flawless being who always had everything in control and met my child’s every need. I imagined I would have limitless patience and always know the right answer. Reality hit me hard. It is far healthier and more helpful to begin with an honest appraisal and acceptance of your strengths and challenges.
In addition to what they expect of themselves, parents must also deal with the expectations of others. This can include their extended families, neighbors, medical and school professionals providing care for their children, and anyone else who happens to be in a public setting with them. This can be a painful challenge for several reasons. In many cases, society holds some unrealistic expectations of parents. These expectations will also represent differing views, making it impossible to meet all of them. And the most significant reason it is not possible for parents to meet the expectations of others is that they will encounter people who have limited knowledge of their family’s and their child’s unique situation.
Some adults who have not had much exposure to children may expect them to behave as miniature versions of adults. They become annoyed when babies cry, toddlers are restless and older children easily distracted. These people place unrealistic expectations on parents as the result of their lack of knowledge or experience. When you don’t understand human development, it is difficult to be patient with children. Parents will feel their disapproval in the form of angry glares and sometimes rude or even cruel comments. It is easier to handle these unrealistic expectations when you understand and accept their lack of accurate information. And while it would be a mistake to take this criticism personally, it is best to respond with courtesy and respect for fellow human beings who are sharing our space at the time.
Societal expectations on discipline vary greatly among the informed and the uninformed. I remember that a criticism I heard frequently from my parents is that my husband and I were too lax and permissive in our parenting. Ironically, it was his parents’ complaint that we were too strict. We concluded that must mean that we were about right.
I have heard of mothers who were publicly shamed for breastfeeding and others for buying formula. What makes a stranger feel compelled to tell a woman purchasing formula that breast milk is better? And why should it be an outrage if a woman is nursing her baby but still covering more of her body than many current fashions do? And more importantly, why do we feel that we need to interfere when an infant is being nourished?
Societal expectations can be most painful for parents of a child with special needs. Even if they are interacting with adults who are familiar with human development and how children behave differently than adults, they will encounter the stares, misunderstandings and unkind comments of people who do not understand the unique needs of their child. Meltdowns are confused with tantrums and parenting methods are criticized. A meltdown is the result of a child with sensory processing issues feeling overwhelmed and requires a change in the amount of sensory input, a quieter place, meeting their immediate needs. To the uninformed it may look like the parent is giving in to a child having a tantrum. Among extended family members this could result in unhelpful remarks on parenting skills. It takes a great deal of self-mastery and patience for parents to handle this situation. Strangers can be ignored, well-meaning friends and family members can’t.
The wisest advice any of us can follow is to assume that the people you encounter are doing the best they can. Rather than stare at a parent and child creating a scene or offering advice when we don’t know all the facts, we could sincerely offer our help. Raising any child is challenging, and raising a child with special needs is even more so. Rather than cause hurt by imposing unrealistic expectations on parents, let’s offer support and encouragement.