Concerned about the effect the divorce will have on your children? Rosalind Sedacca of the Child-Centered Divorce Network has solutions. Listen to our conversation in this episode and visit her website.
Emmalou Penrod
Welcome. Glad to have you with us. I am talking to Rosalind Sedacca today. She is a divorce and co-parenting coach. And she’s recognized as the voice of Child Centered Divorce. She’s the founder of the Child Centered Divorce Network, which provides valuable resources for parents who are facing moving through, or transitioning after a divorce. She is also the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce, a create a story book guide to preparing your children with love, and host of Divorce, Dating and Empowered Living radio show and podcast. This is especially meaningful to me, because this is the first time we have even addressed this topic on this podcast. And it’s a really important one. I love what Rosalyn is doing. I am so excited to have her with us. So Rosalyn. Welcome, and thank you so much for joining us.
Rosalind Sedacca
Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be with you today.
Emmalou Penrod
And everyone has a story. Can you share your story how you became the co-parenting coach?
Rosalind Sedacca
Absolutely. I had my own divorce when my son was 11 years old. And it took me years and years to get up the courage to make that, it was the toughest decision of my life. And when I finally made the decision, the toughest experience was finding a way to break the divorce news to my son who was an innocent child, who loved both his parents. And I knew this was going to be very traumatic for him as it is for most children. And I struggled for weeks and weeks and finally came up with a concept that turned out to be a very unique concept. And I created a storybook for him with family photos and texts that I wrote that explained to him that mom and dad love him so much and treasure everything about him. But we’ve been having problems ourselves. And we decided that the best thing to do for our family was for mom and dad to live in two separate houses. And so he could spend quality time with mom, when he’s with her and quality time with dad when he’s with him. And I put it together in a way that had an upbeat ending that we were taking care of everything and things were going to be okay and many things will not be changing. And I gave him that story book. And of course, it was a very tough experience to go through, breaking divorce news to any child, lots of tears and lots of questions. But we not only made it through that, but we made it through the years of co-parenting and raising my son to an adult. And one day in his early 20s, he came to me out of the blue. And he said, “You know, Mom, you and daddy did a really good job with the divorce. And I just wanted to thank you, because most of my friends whose parents divorce either hate their parents or very angry at them. And I think you guys really did a super job.” And I let out a sigh of relief because I was holding on to so much guilt and insecurity. Did I do something wrong? And how is this going to affect my son when he grew up? And that became the catalyst for me to say, I said to myself, you know, I have something to share with other people. It was many things I learned going through the co-parenting experiences, the ups and downs, the lessons, and I decided to become the founder of the Child Centered divorce network. And I became the divorce and co-parenting coach and ultimately wrote my book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce based on my innovative storybook concept. And that was close to 15 years ago. And so it’s been a wonderful experience ever since because I’ve helped hundreds and hundreds of families and have been able to share a lot of what I’ve learned with with thousands of people around the globe. And it’s been very fulfilling for me and my son wrote the foreword to my book, which was indeed an honor.
Emmalou Penrod
And I totally agree with your son. You did an outstanding job. And I think you did something that many parents forget to do. It’s so, a divorce is so hard to go through. Some may interpret it as a personal failure. But you focused on your son. You were more concerned about his well being than your own. Then getting what you felt was your right out of the marriage. You did a beautiful, unselfish thing. And I know that’s probably the foundation of what you, you know, that child centered divorce says at all.
Rosalind Sedacca
Well, thank you so much, I really appreciate that. And yes, this became my passion to be out in the world and help other families, avoiding the serious mistakes that we too often see. People innocently, without intent, get involved in their own emotional drama. And they do things that inadvertently hurt and wound and scar their children before, during and long, long after divorce. And if we can catch parents as early on as possible, and get them on the same page, agreeing about one thing. No matter what happened, and caused the divorce, we both love those children, and we don’t want to harm them emotionally and psychologically. If we can get them to start at that place, we can get them to make better decisions, avoid the serious mistakes that we too often see in the headlines and in our own family relationships. And we can give kids the opportunity to have the childhood they deserve and the future they deserve.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, and I love your recognition that this is a traumatic thing for a child to go through. And with that love and support and understanding they’re not losing either parent. They still have two parents. And finding that commonality. I think that’s key.
Rosalind Sedacca
You’re right.
Emmalou Penrod
If they can just agree, “We want what is the best for our children.”
Rosalind Sedacca
Yeah, and one of the most important statements that parents can make for their children. before, during and long after the divorce is reminding the children that they are innocent, that they are not to blame for the divorce in any way. Children innately have a tendency to blame themselves. And “If only I got better grades in my report card, maybe mom and dad wouldn’t be having a divorce. If only I treated my sister better, maybe they wouldn’t be having a divorce. I was such a bad kid last year.” And they come up with experiences that may have contributed to the divorce. And even if the parents are fighting about the kids, it’s never the kids’ fault. This is an adult situation. And children have to hear over and over and over again that you’re innocent, you’re not at fault. And then parents have to make sure that what they say and do protects those children, protects their innocence, protects their childhood, so that they can live the best childhood possible, despite the divorce.
Emmalou Penrod
So you’re helping parents now through your radio show and podcast, through your books.
Rosalind Sedacca
And coaching services. Yes, I do one on one coaching services. So people, most of them are done digitally now on calls like this. And what we do is answer questions, resolve issues, and address some of the mistakes that we too often see so that they can learn to avoid them and make better decisions, and then teach them successful strategies for co-parenting. Because one thing that I think we do need to mention is that when you get a divorce and you’re not a parent, the divorce ends. No matter how ugly that divorce may be, there is an ending at some point, and both parties can go on with their lives and never interact again. When you’re a parent, it’s the exact opposite. This is a lifelong experience. Co-parenting doesn’t end at 18 or when your child marries. It goes on forever and ever and ever. And you have holidays and school experiences and graduations and weddings and grandchildren and family occasions. And you have to learn how to behave and communicate and not embarrass your children or put added stress on your children. Some parents get so caught up feeling justified in their hatred, in their resentment, in their anger, that they impose it on the innocent children and the children have to protect their two parents from being in the same room for three hours for a holiday celebration, or a wedding or something along those lines. It’s so unfair to the children. So we have to put ourselves in our children’s shoes whether our child is three or 13 or 33 and experience what is going on for them at that time, and then make decisions accordingly, mindful of what the children are feeling and experiencing.
Emmalou Penrod
I love that. I totally agree that some mistake I have seen is that the parents try to make the children, the adults, then they want to be taken care of. And this is so much more mature and unselfish, to care for their needs. And you can help parents nationally, because you’re not giving any legal advice that’s dependent on state, it’s just the same anywhere, any parent who really wants to focus on their children, and make this divorce the smoothest transition possible?
Rosalind Sedacca
Yeah, I work nationally and internationally because divorce is the same despite differences in cultures. The family dynamic is more alike than not, regardless of what country you’re living in. And so we’re able to help and support parents wherever they are. And you mentioned such an important point about the fact that we don’t want to rob our children of their childhood, of their innocence. children deserve to have a childhood. And as soon as the child feels that they have to take care of or protect or parent their parents, they instantaneously move into another level of maturity, where they become a little adult. And it’s very, very disruptive. And that happens whether there’s a divorce or not. In some families, the parents just stop becoming the parent, and the children feel bad for them. And they try to protect them and take care of them. And it’s very sad for the child because they no longer can enjoy the innocence of childhood, the experiences and the joy of childhood. There’s enough to cope with, as we all know, with childhood for kids without having the extra burden of suddenly having to protect and take care of your own parents.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, this is true. And I love that this help is available for going through probably the most traumatic event that can happen to a family. Of course, it’s ideal when parents can remain married. But when that is no longer an option for a variety of reasons, it needs to be handled in a way that protects those precious children and makes it as smooth as possible for them. I’m assuming it takes a lot of communication. Tell us more about that story. That sounds like a brilliant idea.
Rosalind Sedacca
Well, thank you. The storybook idea went from a scrapbook that I created several decades ago. And now clients of mine are, are using online services to create a very sophisticated printed book but the concept is basically the same. What you’re doing is taking Family Photos of happy times, birthdays, and vacations and celebrations and integrating it with the text that I wrote. And I have two age appropriate customized templates. So parents, this is an eBook. And they customize the eBook before they download it and print it and then they add it into the the scrapbook or the printed book. And so it’s woven through the pictures. And it’s reminding the children again and again that both parents love them, both parents will always be there for them and that they are safe. And that this is going to work out okay because mom and dad or whoever the two parents are, are working on making it Okay. So we want to take the burden of fear and anxiety and insecurity off of the children’s shoulders. It’s doesn’t belong there. It belongs on the parents. So we want to reassure them. And then of course, we want the parents to step up and make mature responsible decisions. And one of the most important factors that we talked about is this is about change, not about blame. So neither parent is pointing the finger and saying, “This wouldn’t have happened if your father didn’t have a drug problem, your mother didn’t have an affair.” and all of that ugly adult stuff. We never share adult information with children, even teenagers, because their brains are not capable of understanding these problems. As we know, it’s hard enough for adults to cope with it. Why should we burden our children with something that’s emotionally and psychologically beyond their capacity. They can’t fix or change the situation. And so we step away from blaming, and then we just talk about this as a change in the form of our family. We will always be a family. Your mother, your father, your parents will always be your parents. But some things will change and some things will stay the same. And change is a natural part of life. So we talked about the seasons, change our hairstyles, change our teachers in school, our sports teams change, so much of life is full of change. This is another change in the form of our family. But we will always be a family. And that’s very comforting for children, it is a security factor that they can hold on to, and knowing that neither one of their parents is going to divorce them, that they are loved and cherished by the parents, and can count on having quality time with the parents. Another factor that calms them down and lets children know that this is something that they will be able to get through, because their parents are working hard to make it as smooth and easy as possible. And when everyone in the family is focused in that direction, and we lead them to legal resources, who are family focused, and not out to just exploit money and time but to help them have a child centered divorce, then the process works much more smoothly and easily. And everyone benefits in the long term. And that’s the outcome I want. I want the parents to be able to have their children come to them when they’re grown adults and say, “Thank you, for the way you handled the divorce.”
Emmalou Penrod
This process allows the children to keep that innocence of childhood. And you’re right, sharing the details makes them part of it. And they aren’t; it’s not their problem. It’s the adults’ problem that they handle, and allow their child to be a child. And it’s a very unselfish way of handling it. So how do people get ahold of you and find out about this ebook they can create?
Rosalind Sedacca
Well, all of my information is at childcentereddivorce.com. So that’s very simple, child centered divorce dot com. And you can email me directly at Rosalind r o s a l i n d, at child centered divorce dot com. I have a free ebook right on the homepage of the website on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies For Getting It Right! And I talk about some very important factors, communication skills, how to talk to your ex, how to talk to your children, which is totally different, how to work on your own self esteem and moving on in your life and the transition. And we talk about dating and relationships moving ahead, because I want to make sure that if you have gone through a divorce, the last thing we want is for you to have another failed relationship. So how do we learn from the divorce, look for the gifts in the divorce and choose better, healthier relationships, better partners. We also want to focus on transitioning into blended families or when one of them or both of the parents has a new relationship partner and how does that affect the children. Everything has to be child centered first so that we understand what it’s like through the eyes of the child and feelings of the child. And when we handle that we make more mature responsible adult decisions. So the coaching can be just one or two sessions or it can be a series of sessions, a package that involves various facets of creating parenting plans and working out schedules, and working out different challenges and communication issues. whatever needs to be addressed. I can help support the parents doing it in the best possible way for themselves and also to protect the children. And we take a lot of the fear and anxiety and dread out of the parents’ lives which helps them to parent more smoothly and effectively all through the process. And there’s no doubt about it. This is one of the most challenging experiences any parent is ever going to have. But it’s one that can lead to a happy outcome and that’s what we want for everyone.
Emmalou Penrod
I was about to say, it’s child centered divorce but you’re also taking care of the parents. But it fits in perfectly. When you become a better person, you become a better parent. So if they’re learning how to manage their feelings, their personal life in a way that is positive, that will naturally help the child and it is all centered around what is in the best interest of the child. And the best interest is to have a happy, healthy parent.
Rosalind Sedacca
Exactly, yes. And if you look at literature on divorce, and you read what adult children of divorce, their experiences are very sad, very dramatic. And something that we don’t want children to have to experience because a lot of adult children of divorce are afraid of relationships. They don’t trust partnerships. They’re very angry. They feel betrayed. Sometimes parents make the dire mistake of alienating their children against the other parent. They feel justified in doing this. But it isn’t necessarily in the best interest of the children at all. And so we have a lot of very sad traumatic experiences that happened. And all of these experiences can be changed and avoided if parents are guided in thinking in a more holistic way about the parent child experience, if they’re guiding and understanding what the divorce experience is like from the child’s perspective. And if they really get into their hearts and make unselfish decisions, as you had mentioned, decisions that are really benefiting the children. Once you get into the right mindset, you make different decisions, you decide differently. And there’s many questions that I ask of both parents to help them understand that they have choices, and the decisions that they make are going to impact them and their children for life.
Emmalou Penrod
I firmly believe that families are the foundation of our society. And the best way to make this world a better place is to strengthen families. And I can see that what you’re doing is vital in strengthening. Families are under a lot of stress right now. And you’re strengthening the family when it has to go through a divorce.
Rosalind Sedacca
That’s my goal. Absolutely.
Emmalou Penrod
Thank you Rosalind, you are going to help and strengthen a lot of families. I’m excited about what you’re doing. And thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Rosalind Sedacca
Thank you. It’s a pleasure talking with you.
Emmalou Penrod
You have a great day.
Rosalind Sedacca
Thank you.