We continue our series on Communication, “Parents and Teens, Two Different Speicies?” with Pascale Dubé. In this episode we talk about how you can empower your teen to become a successful adult. Learn more about Pascale on her LinkedIn page or visit her Facebook group for parents. You can also schedule a 30 minute strategy call.
Emmalou Penrod
Well, welcome back, Pascale. delightful to talk to you.
Pascale Dubé
Yes, really happy to see you today.
Emmalou Penrod
And I’m looking forward to hearing, I think this is going to be an important topic, how to empower your teens.
Pascale Dubé
Yes, to be a leader, as a parent, it’s really, really important to lead the way. You have more experience than your teenager does. And therefore, you are well placed in their lives to serve as a leader for them.
Emmalou Penrod
I think that is critical. You know, sometimes we want to be liked. But we’re not here to be our teenagers best friend or hang out, buddy.
Pascale Dubé
No.
Emmalou Penrod
As you said, we’re here to lead the way.
Pascale Dubé
Yes, exactly. Well, we mentioned earlier in another podcast prior to this one that the key is first lead by example. So as a parent, coherence and consistency will really be a very good tool for you. What you do and what you say, must send the same message to your teenager. Because trust comes from consistency and coherence. If what you do and what you say, there’s a disconnect between the two, then your teenager will start to mistrust what you say and what you do. And you might have confrontation coming your way.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, so you don’t tell your teen, you don’t talk about the dangers of tobacco while you’re smoking.
Pascale Dubé
Exactly. Or you don’t ask your teenager to leave the phone unattended if you are always glued to it. So you have to lead by example. It’s super important. Yeah. And you have to recognize that when your teenager behaves a way that you know annoys you, perhaps there’s a behavior there that you are actually manifesting to your teenager. So try to be mindful of how you’re acting, and see if your teenager replicates what you’re doing. And if so, reassess your own behavior and change, if you can.
Emmalou Penrod
I like that. I’ve heard that quite often the child you have the most difficulty with is the child who is most like you.
Pascale Dubé
That is so true. Teenagers are a mirror of who we are. And sometimes we don’t like what we’re seeing. And if we don’t like what we’re seeing, perhaps it just reminds us of something. Either we used to behave like, you know, we challenged our own parents before our teenager challenges us. And sometimes we have kept those same behaviors in our adult years. And maybe it’s time for us to reassess those behaviors. Because what your teenager tells you, we also mentioned that in a prior podcast, what they, whatever they communicate to you, whether it’s verbally or in their behaviors is information for you. So if you feel uneasy about something that’s going on with your teenager, ask yourself, why am I uncomfortable? Be mindful.
Emmalou Penrod
You know, it sounds like it goes far beyond just what you would expect, just courtesy and respect. Of course, we’re going to treat them with courtesy and respect, so we can expect it in return. But beyond that, we’re open and ready to admit, you know, we may be wrong. We may need to be the one to change and be prepared to do that. What an example for your teen. When they see you, you recognize you need to change and you make the change.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. And you know, we mentioned earlier, I come from a business background. And being a leader with your teenager or being a leader in a business setting is quite the same. If you want to have unmotivated employees, make sure that you are incoherent or inconsistent. Make sure that you, as a boss, never recognize your mistakes and don’t own your mistakes. So if you do that, as a parent, of course, your teenager will not respect you, will not trust you. So the same theory applies when you’re a parent and when you’re a manager but of course the emotions run higher when it’s your teenager. You’re more invested in your relationship with your kid then you are with an employee for instance.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, an employee, that’s just for a number of years, teenager, this is a lifetime relationship.
Pascale Dubé
Yeah.
Emmalou Penrod
And you may divorce your spouse. You can’t divorce your child.
Pascale Dubé
Exactly. And you better foster it and try to change. The more you can change, the more it will teach your teenager that change is possible too, you know. As I said, lead by example. In the teenage years, there are a lot of tough conversations that you have to have with your teenager. Don’t avoid the tough conversations, because the more courage you show, when tough conversations arise, the more you will teach your teenager that tough conversations are a good way to actually clear the air. You have to learn to become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation or discussions. And your teenager will respect you more for that, I believe. Have an open door policy. You know, going back to my business background, the open door policy that we have in companies. Is there a neutral and safe place to discuss private matters with your teenager? Because they’re at an age that they don’t want to share with their siblings. They don’t necessarily want to share with the whole family. So is there a time and a place reserved to share their experiences with them, so you have one on one time with them? And listening is key. We said it communication starts by listening to the verbal and nonverbal cues, very, very important. And if they stumble, you know, a good boss will allow their employee to make a mistake. And they will make them own their own mistakes. And if they stumble or go through hard times your teenagers, debrief with them. Share the experience with them. Make them benefit from your experience, if they are open to it. And time is of the essence. The more you spend time fostering the relationship with your teenager, the more that they will grow to be independent in the future.
Emmalou Penrod
I believe that and it seems to me that by being willing to spend time with them, and have those tough conversations, you’re sending the message that you care about them. You are sufficiently invested in their well being and your relationship with them, that you’re willing to have those tough conversations and give them your most precious gift, your time.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely and make sure that when you go into a tough conversation, that you stay open, that the energy you bring to the conversation is one of acceptance. So that they don’t feel threatened, they feel safe to share with you. And that they will not be judged. Judgment is the killer of any relationship, whether it’s with a spouse, or a friend. It’s the same thing with your children. They are growing. They are becoming who they are. And they have to have space to become who they are.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes.
Pascale Dubé
Let’s come back to the business analogy. Because as they grow older, the expectations that you will have towards them will also evolve. Their role in the household will change if they want to become better. And if you want to empower them, of course, you will tend to give them more responsibilities. Trust them with more responsibilities, but learn to communicate your expectations towards them very clearly. Let them know that as they grow, your expectations and your trust will grow as well, but it will depend on how responsibly that they behave. So there must be consequences, positive or negative, depending on what they’re doing. And it’s no longer time to tell them what to do, you know. When they grow older, and they are no longer receptive to be told what to do. It’s the difference between micromanaging and just sharing a common vision of what your relationship with your teenager can be. And clarity is very important in their expectations of you and your expectations of them.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, and I think it’s tempting sometimes to assume that they have the same standard you do. Like when you direct your child to clean the living room. Maybe his definition of clean the living room isn’t the same as yours. So yeah, that’s what you meant by the expectations. You’re making those clear.
Pascale Dubé
Yeah, absolutely. The clearer you get, the less tensions there will be. And I guess, as a good boss will inspire their employees. It’s also a good thing to learn how to inspire your teenager. Make them envision a future in which you know they are successful. Paint them a picture of their future and ask them about their dreams and what they are expecting of you in order to realize their dreams. It’s a more positive conversation to have with them, then just, you know, clean your room.
Emmalou Penrod
Just dream together and let them know you’re there to support. But you have this belief in them that they can be anything they want to be, you’re there to support them. But they are making that decision. They’re the ones that are planning their future.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. And the difference between you and your children is that they might have huge dreams, but they have no clue as to how to get there. But you’ve got experience, you’ve got life experience. So maybe you can help them plan out what their future will look like, what they will require along the way in order for them to realize their dreams. Maybe they have no idea what’s possible, if you don’t talk with them about that. Planning for the future is a very powerful way to empower your child, because it’s directly impacting them. And it’s a big picture discussion. You know, it’s so much more interesting for a teenager to hear about what their future might look like, what their dreams might become, than just being told, you know, clean your room. Where does cleaning your room actually impact their dreams, you know. And there are the times where they’re experimenting all sorts of things, and their mental space is limited. So maybe cleaning the room is not a priority for them, you know, so you have,
Emmalou Penrod
And while an adult may see “Oh, learning to be organized, will help you be more successful.” But they’re not going to make that connection. And far better to hold out the let’s talk about your dreams for your future. And then bring in, “Well, it will help them to learn some more organizational skills.”
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. And notice what their strengths are, and try to push them in their strengths, and in their interests, because there might be places where their strengths and interests actually intersect with the family life. For instance, I’m going to give some examples. If you are trying to decide where you will go on vacation, maybe the vacation destination could be chosen, you know, you can actually ask your teenagers what they would like to do in the in the vacations. Or is there a place that they want to visit and just engage them like that, too, and involve them in the process making of the household and see where it intersects, where their interest and the family life can intersect. And if you empower them in that by giving them more responsibility, involving them, and even start their financial education.
Emmalou Penrod
Oh, definitely.
Pascale Dubé
By involving them in the decision making process and being transparent about what the budget for the vacations are, how can they fit in some activities that they would like into the budget and try to have their education started like that, and make them aware that money doesn’t grow on trees. So starting their financial education, by involving them in the family objective, can be super empowering for them, too, because they feel like they’re another adult. They feel like they’re the same level as you are.
Emmalou Penrod
Oh, yeah, you’re bringing them into the Family Council, and maybe even doing a comparison. So what’s the total cost? If we save up money to buy a car as opposed to taking out a loan and then paying interest? There are a lot of lessons there.
Pascale Dubé
Yeah. And if if they are super knowledgeable in the IT department, you know, if you need to buy another computer or another telephone, why not make them your consultant?
Emmalou Penrod
Oh, yeah.
Pascale Dubé
There are creative ways that you can actually leverage your teenager’s interests in order for you to develop the trust and to build the relationship moving forward. Creative ways that you can just give your teenager actually underlying the value that they bring as a person, as a whole person.
Emmalou Penrod
Yeah. If you have a child who’s interested in interior design, why not let them be involved in the,
Pascale Dubé
Excellent, excellent example. I did not think about that. But that’s absolutely true. And it’s a time, teenage years are the years where you experiment. You learn to be out of your comfort zone, as I mentioned. And you can basically guide them through that. And you can actually rediscover your own youth, if you will, by sharing common experience, sharing common activities with them that will put you outside of your comfort zone. And that will at the same time, be a valuable experience for your teenager.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes,
Pascale Dubé
Try to do something that you don’t do usually. And if you can, do it one on one with your teenager. Even better have quality time with your teenager. It doesn’t have to always be confrontation, and mistrust. And the screaming match, you know. There will be time for this match. But if you can have another place and time for enjoying each other’s company, and for you to get to know who they are. Because sometimes you don’t even have the information, you know, you don’t know where they are. And if you share a positive experience, there’s a better chance for them to actually want to open up to you and share things that are dear to their heart that you have no idea what’s going on in their life, they might share it with you when you have that one on one positive experience with them.
Emmalou Penrod
And we mentioned time is a valuable gift to give your teen. What about happy memories? What about memories of times when you were bonding, you were enjoying each other’s company? That’s huge.
Pascale Dubé
That’s huge. And it can be small things. And it can be bigger things. I remember when I was younger, my mother used to allow me to skip one afternoon of school. She wasn’t working at that time. And we would go out and just shop together for an afternoon. I felt like a million dollars. Yeah, she allowed me because I was having a very good school year. My grades were high. I was a responsible teenager. And she didn’t have really that much time to allow me outside of after school and everything. I had other siblings and she had other things to do. But sometimes she was just, “Okay, this afternoon, I will pick you up and we’re going to do something together.”
Emmalou Penrod
It sounds like she was also wise enough to realize that there weren’t going to be very many years when you were living at home, That that time is short.
Pascale Dubé
It’s so precious. It’s precious. And those are the most important years, those formative years. Your teenager will change. And they will change very, very quickly. They will grow up and they will be out of your home so fast.
Emmalou Penrod
Oh, yeah.
Pascale Dubé
Hang on to every single bit of good times you can have. Those are priceless memories for you, but also for your teenager. They will remember that.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, yes. I know they will.
Pascale Dubé
Yeah. And finally, I will just come back to another subject that we mentioned earlier a little in another podcast is the fact that you are not cool. And it’s okay. That you’re not cool. And you know, you’re non coolness can actually make you cooler if you are okay being not cool. Maybe you can even make your teenager your image consultant. “Okay, I’m not cool. That’s great. I’m not cool. What can I do to improve my image?” You know, it can even be funny. “Make me over.”
Emmalou Penrod
I think it’s a valuable lesson to teach them to accept themselves by demonstrating it and combined with that willingness to improve.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely.
Emmalou Penrod
“OK, so you don’t feel like I dress fashionably. What are some suggestions? What do you recommend?”
Pascale Dubé
Exactly? Yeah.
Emmalou Penrod
What a fun mother daughter activity! Let’s go through the wardrobe and let’s see what items go well together. What can we add? What do we need to get rid of?
Pascale Dubé
The fact is that most times when we are actually having an argument with our teenager is because we feel insecure.
Emmalou Penrod
Yeah. We’re trying to maintain that image of being infallible, perfect. And of course we can’t. And of course that’s going to be frustrating. And yet you will strengthen that bond if you can be vulnerable. I loved what you were saying about, Admit when you’re wrong. Admit you don’t know everything. But you are always willing to move forward and improve. That is a brilliant gift.
Pascale Dubé
There is something very important, too. And that’s something I’ve learned quite recently is to watch your language. As I said, it’s the time for experimenting and the words you use will also send messages to your teenager. Since this is the time for them to experiment, and to learn, and to get out of their comfort zone, perhaps you should change the way you approach making mistakes. Maybe mistakes are learning opportunities. Try to reframe experience to a broader sense, for your teenagers. Because they will, of course, fall down, stumble, make mistakes, but if they are afraid, if they become afraid or reluctant, to make mistakes, or to look foolish, for instance, they will never learn and they will never grow. Because they will be fearful of experiencing. And it’s your role, I think, as a parent, to guide them through this and show them that improvement is always a possibility, even when you’re a parent. And if you make mistakes and you admit your mistakes, and you say that you don’t know everything, but you’re willing to learn, that will empower them to make their own mistakes, to come to you with their mistakes and say, “I don’t know what happened. I don’t understand what happened. Here’s what I did. Here’s the result. What do you think?” They will consult with you.
Emmalou Penrod
Yeah, yeah. I love these. I love these ideas on how to empower your teen. And what parent wouldn’t? I mean, don’t we have that dream for our children, that they grow up to be successful, happy, contributing, and independent adults?
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. I think the goal of every parent is to see their child succeed. And there is no success without failure. You just have to keep trying. It’s the same as a parent, keep trying, you know, you’re not perfect.
Emmalou Penrod
Yep.
Pascale Dubé
You do the best you can. And if something doesn’t work, well change your approach. You have to always adapt. And the more adaptation skills you show your child, the more they will learn that they can adapt to situations and things that make them uncomfortable,
Emmalou Penrod
They’ll become more resilient. They’ll know you can always just move forward, just keep moving forward, and maybe slowly, but keep moving forward. So next time, we’re talking about guilt and fear, and you call that an explosive combination. So that’ll be interesting. To talk more about that next time.
Pascale Dubé
Fantastic! If anyone wants to have a more, zoned in, a discussion with me about empowering your teenager, you can always find me on my Facebook page. It’s Parent Lead Coaching on Facebook. And my website should be ready by mid July, parentleadcoaching.com. So looking forward to talk to your audience.
Emmalou Penrod
Thank you, Pascale. You are a valuable resource for parents.
Pascale Dubé
Thank you very much and I’ll talk to you next time.
Emmalou Penrod
All right. You have a great day. Talk to you next time.