How is your communication with your teenager? Listen as Pascale Dubé, and I talk about effective ways to improve your communication with your teen. Learn more about Pascale on her LinkedIn page or visit her Facebook group for parents. You can also schedule a 30 minute strategy call.
Emmalou Penrod
We’re back with Pascale Dubé. And she is the founder of Parent Lead Coaching and a communications expert and I loved getting to know her last time. But today we’re talking about strategies to improve communications with your teen. Pascale, welcome again.
Pascale Dubé
Hi, nice to be back.
Emmalou Penrod
And you are touching on a really critical point. I know that there are many parents who would love to know how to get their teens to open up and talk.
Pascale Dubé
Yeah, well, we talked a little bit about that last time, but leading by example. It means that if you want your teenager to talk about personal things, perhaps you should start talking about more personal things that affect you.
Emmalou Penrod
Share your day.
Pascale Dubé
Yeah, exactly. Share your day, share your reality, you know, as teenagers grow up, they still need you. But they don’t need the same things that they needed from you earlier on. So your relationship should evolve. as they grow older, we talked about, you know, not micromanaging them. providing them with safety. It doesn’t mean that you have to over protect them. It means, safety means letting them making their own choices, make their mistakes, get hurt, and be responsible for their choices. So you have to provide a safe environment where they know that they can experiment without judgment. And you will have their back. We talked about trust last time is the same thing. Trust is everything.
Emmalou Penrod
Yes, I totally agree. So specific strategy. So you’re setting the right example. You know, sometimes we need time, maybe you have something going on in your life, especially even adults, and how more so to have teenagers who are still learning how to express their emotions, that maybe they need more than five minutes to say what’s bothering them.
Pascale Dubé
They are also coping with more complex problems than they used to, you know. There are the social ties where their friends are becoming more and more complex, as they grow older. Their problems grow as they are growing. They are facing, the fastest pace of evolution biologically, is during your teenage years. Your brain changes. Your hormones change. Your way of relating to authority changes. You have to figure out who you are, what you stand for, what your values are. And sometimes, you know, the values that teenagers develop, while they grow up are different from their parents, and it’s okay. And they have to know that it’s okay, that you will not judge them for wanting to try things, expanding their horizon, changing their experiences. It’s the time for them to get out of their comfort zone. And you don’t want to smother them. Because the more they experiment, the more they will get to know themselves. And it’s the perfect time for you to provide the right environment, to be supportive, to provide the safety and also be open to talk about difficult subjects with them.
Emmalou Penrod
I can’t help but wonder what it’s like being a teen during a pandemic.
Pascale Dubé
And, you know, most people ask themselves that. Nobody ever lived through pandemic before, you know. It was in 1918, the last time that there was a pandemic and technology was not as as it is now. Health concerns were not the same. There were no environmental issues. The political issues and economic issues were vastly different from now. So, but there’s something that we might put into perspective is being a teenager is never easy. We’ve gone through it. And some of us that are parents now, we kind of forgot how hard it can be to be a teenager. We are caught up in our adult lives. And we are having a hard time to relate with our teenagers and actually empathize with what’s going on in their lives. You know, we’ve got work, we’ve got responsibility, we have to pay the bills. So there are a lot of anxiety coming with being a parent. But don’t think that because they’re teenagers, your teenagers don’t face the same kind of anxiety that you’re facing.
Emmalou Penrod
You mentioned listening last time, how critical that is.
Pascale Dubé
Yes, and there are many ways for you to listen. And I call that the power struggle. When you’re discussing with a teenager who is in opposition, who is trying to test your limit, and trying to get a rise out of you, it’s harder to have the ears and to actually listen, because we are confronted with our own issues. And they know which button to push. So listening is probably the best thing that you can learn to do and be truly present. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Just let the information and what your teenager tells you come through, reach your heart. And it means being truly there in the present moment with them. If you are feeling angry, perhaps don’t react right away. Just tell your children, tell your teenager, “Okay. I’m feeling angry, I will not answer right now. I heard what you told me. And I will answer and we will continue to discuss this discussion later, when we’re not so emotional.” And just by doing that, you will teach your child that it’s not the right way to cope with confrontation, to just start screaming. A screaming match is never good.
Emmalou Penrod
And last time, you mentioned refraining from being judgmental. We are not passing judgment, maybe we’ll need to repress how horrified we feel with what they’re talking about. And just listen. And then like you said, maybe wait till we’re in a calmer frame of mind before we respond.
Pascale Dubé
I always found that letting the dust settle after, when emotions are super high, we are not thinking straight. And we will say things that we will regret. Everyone has experimented with that. Everyone knows that the right thing to do is just to breathe. Breathing is very important. And when I said that there are many ways with which you can listen, it’s not even about talking to your child. It’s about reading the nonverbal cues that your teenager gives you. Because if you want to know what’s wrong with your child, they might not come to you with words. But if you observe their behaviors, how do they sleep? Well? Do they seem to be tired? You will have clues to what’s going on in their lives. And if you’re truly listening with your heart open, if you’re not judging what their situation is, if you’re not trivializing what they’re going through, because that’s another red flag that we have sometimes as parents is we’ve been there. And we have no, our problems are so much more important than their problems. You know, we’ve been through it. So we trivialize what’s going on. This is another kind of judgment that can be super detrimental to your relationship with your teenager.
Emmalou Penrod
And it also seems to me, this is a time when you want to bond with them, to get closer to them. I’m thinking of the example of music. It’s very natural to find what you don’t like about their music. But what would be a more productive approach? You know, could you maybe share? Well, this is the music I enjoyed or just maybe learning to listen and find a commonality.
Pascale Dubé
Exactly, bonding with your child is also bonding with who you were as a child.
Emmalou Penrod
Ooh, I like that!
Pascale Dubé
Try to remember who you were when you were a child. I know. For me, it’s quite easy to remember because I’ve got piles of journals at home that I used to keep when I was a teenager. So I kind of remember pretty well who I was as a teenager. I think as a parent, since you’ve got so much more experience, life experience. You’ve gone through it. I think looking back to who you were and what were the lessons that you learned without being, you know, patronizing your child. You can use your own stories to teach things to your child. You know what you’ve gone through. Let them see you as who you are. You know, let’s let them see vulnerability. Let them see your imperfection. Don’t assume. And don’t be scared to admit when you don’t know something, when you’re worried, show your worries, share with them, because they are old enough to understand where you are. And if you teach them empathy by empathizing to what they’re going through, they will reciprocate. It’s a social basic behavior that when someone is vulnerable in front of you, unless there are other issues, most of the time, people will be vulnerable in front of you, too. It’s the best way and the easiest way, but it requires courage from the parent, to show vulnerability to their children. Because going on into their childhood, you were the hero of your child. You were all knowing and you had the power. And your child probably idealized you. When you were younger, and when your child was younger, you were their idol. And now as they’re moving into their teenage years, they start to see your imperfections. But instead of resisting it, I would say lean into it; and assume the fact that you’re not perfect. And let them see you for who you are, it will deepen your relationship.
Emmalou Penrod
All right, so you’re mentioning some specific strategies, and I want to highlight them to make sure we don’t miss any of them. First of all, having a good grasp of what’s going on, that though your teenager is going through some of the same things you did growing up, they have new challenges that you didn’t have. And being genuine with them, being open. And then bonding and letting go the power struggle. You know, the old saying, “Would you rather be right? Or would you rather have a good relationship?”
Pascale Dubé
Exactly. I’m a big fan of Marshall Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communications when it comes to dealing with teenagers, particularly, because you’ve got feelings, but they also have feelings. And if you acknowledge their feelings, and if you communicate your feelings properly to them, and you express your needs, and you encourage them to express their needs, in a way that is open and not overly emotional, and without judgment, believe me, you will basically coast along and just enjoy the ride with your teenager.
Emmalou Penrod
I love that. I love that. That open accepting feelings, bonding and understanding. You mentioned it’s not just listening. It’s paying attention to their body language. And last week, you mentioned when they become confrontational that is providing information, know that something’s going on.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. And when a teenager is being confrontational. First, it’s absolutely normal for a teenager to be confrontational. As I said, as I mentioned in the last episode, and what I say is, as long as they are confrontational, they are still communicating with you. And as long as the communication bridge still exists, you can always do something to improve it. It’s more difficult when there is no communication at all, or resentment has grown so much that there is no space that you can hold to continue communicating. But if they’re being confrontational, perhaps be even grateful, because they are still communicating with you even though their words are hurtful. They are still communicating something.
Emmalou Penrod
I love that. I love that. Now, what do you recommend if it comes to the situation where they aren’t communicating? The parent tries to initiate a conversation, abrupt one word responses. Is this an indication that maybe trust has been lost and needs to be rebuilt?
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. I think you hit the nail on the head. It means that there is, when trust is no longer there, it takes and it requires a lot of work because your teenager might not even want to continue having a relationship with you. It can be that hard, and especially for a mother. Someone came to me a couple of weeks ago and talked to me about something that was happening with her oldest child and there was a divorce. There were hardships, and she had not seen her son for a while. And when he came back, there was so much resentment. And it’s the communications are very, very difficult because I feel like the dynamic between the child and the parent is kind of completely out of whack. And then you know, there are also the relationships between the parents that can impact the child. So trust is paramount. If trust is no longer there, small steps, very, very small steps. And you have to start walking on the bridge and meet them where they’re at. Because you are the one with the most experience. And you know that they need you, even though they might not recognize it. And therefore, you might want to completely change and modify your approach. And when trust is broken, it’s mostly because someone didn’t listen. I think trust is broken when there is no acknowledgement of the other person’s experience. Trust comes with empathy. And if empathy has not been shown, start by showing empathy and give space. Give space to your teen, because you might think they’re only angry. But behind that anger that they might have towards you, there’s a lot of hurt. They are hurt. And so are you. So maybe there’s something there that you share, and maybe you should start there.
Emmalou Penrod
I love what you said about the parent should start across that bridge, and expect to have to go more than halfway.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. They might have to go all the way. Yeah.
Emmalou Penrod
And, there is a difference between holding space and giving up. Can we talk about that? When you are holding space, what does that mean?
Pascale Dubé
When things are calm between you and your teenager, and for instance, you know, you’re in front of the television or anything, when emotions don’t run high, just drop hints that, first of all, the parents should first say that they are sorry. If you never apologize, and you never say that you’re sorry, the child will probably never budge. It’s your job to show that you are sorry about the situation. You might, instead of wanting to, you might want to explain the emotions that drove you to react a certain way. And you might want to tell them that even though it might not be received by them as an act of love, it came from a place of love and acceptance, and you are willing to change the way you react. But you want them to feel safe talking to you. And you want to build the trust back. They’re old enough to understand, if you’re using words that they understand. I think they will understand that it will be to their advantage and they’re, they’re. . . How can I say that?
Emmalou Penrod
In their best interest?
Pascale Dubé
It’s in their best interest. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And they can have a lot of maturity. They can be super immature, but their brain is developing and they are, actually every experience that comes in when they’re a teenager will then shape the future of their relationships. So it’s basically your job as a parent to make sure that you mend your relationship with your teenager, so that it will not impact, or impact negatively their relationships in the future. So, being a parent is super hard. And it goes back to ask for help. If you don’t know what to do, ask for help. Go get help.
Emmalou Penrod
Well, it sends the message to your teen, I care enough about you and our relationship. I’m willing to humble myself and go ask for help. It’s been my experience, the most powerful force in the universe is love. And if you’re holding that unconditional love for your teenager. You’ve gone all the way across the bridge. You’ve made the gesture. Maybe they blasted you, but you hold firm to that love. Accept that maybe that’s the best they can do at that time. And that hold space means with that love, right, you’re holding that space available.
Pascale Dubé
And it might not be automatic. You know, they might not change or even in two weeks, three weeks, but you have to keep on doing it, you have to keep on trying. Never give up.
Emmalou Penrod
Never, never, I love that. I absolutely love that. Any other comments you want to make?
Pascale Dubé
It was pretty serious. The last one was pretty serious. I have a funny one, though. That can be a tool, and that will lighten the mood a little bit. And it’s something that I experienced while working with teenagers. And it might make you laugh a little bit, because let’s face it, you’re the parent. And you’re not cool. Now, in your teenager’s eyes, you are so not cool. But you can learn to use it as an asset. I will give you an example. The most popular people that were actually working with teenagers in the summer camps that I worked in for years, the most popular people were the ones that were not afraid to be completely ridiculous. When you put aside your pride, and you assume the fact that you’re not cool, and you’re not afraid to assume your non coolness, your teenager will actually develop respect for you just for that.
Emmalou Penrod
I’ve heard of parents who were trying to be their child’s friend, their peer; and it just did not work. But I like this, just go ahead and own your uncoolness.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely, and not being cool. You know, it means that your teenager might look embarrassed. They might feel embarrassed by you. They might even say that they’re embarrassed. But if you stick with it, and assume it, they will respect you for it. And I have got a fantastic example in television that I love. I love to quote that guy. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Modern Family, but Phil Dunphy, his character in Modern Family is exactly that. He’s a father that is doing magic. And he’s is completely uncool. But he tries so hard. And his kids actually love him for that.
Emmalou Penrod
The fact that he’s genuine, he’s himself. He’s not trying to be something he isn’t.
Pascale Dubé
Yes, yes. And it teaches your children not to be afraid to own their own personalities, their quirks and their passions and to just assume that they are, who they are, and to be in tune with what they’re feeling and actually stand their ground when confronted with difference.
Emmalou Penrod
So tell those dad jokes.
Pascale Dubé
Absolutely. Tell the dad jokes.
Emmalou Penrod
That is cool. That is fun, too. Yeah, absolutely. Not trying to purposely humiliate them just being yourself. That is awesome. I love it. Okay. Excellent strategies for improving communications with your teen. And next week, we’re going to talk about how to empower your teen. I love that. And of course, we’ve got the foundation, right? We’ve have this trust, this relationship. And when we have that, then we can empower them.
Pascale Dubé
Yes.
Emmalou Penrod
Looking forward to it.
Pascale Dubé
Looking forward to it too. And if I might just mention, I’m always available to have a strategy session with any parent. You can look at the Facebook page, Parent Lead Coaching on Facebook is the best way to stay informed about what I do. You can go directly to my calendar to book a strategy session if you want. It’s Calendy.com/parentleadcoaching.
Emmalou Penrod
All right, these links will be on with every episode Pascale, you have valuable resources for parents. Thank you and we’ll talk to you next week.
Pascale Dubé
Thank you so much.